Self Harm: It's About Survival.

Self Harm is something I never openly talk about to anyone and it’s something that holds a huge amount of stigma in today’s society. So much so I feel ashamed to be even writing this. I guess in writing this I am doing my bit to tackle that stigma and raise awareness of this very secretive and self destructive behaviour. I think a lot of this shame comes from reactions I have had to deal with when I’ve disclosed this ‘dirty little secret’. Reactions from both family and friends which have induced this longstanding and torturing feeling of shame.

Self Harm takes various forms some of which might seem terrifying or even disgusting to those of you who don’t engage in it. I’m not blaming you for your natural response; as humans it is instinct to protect ourselves from pain and hurting ourselves falls under that umbrella. However, people who self harm may be causing themselves pain but really they are doing it to feel better. Makes very little sense, right? Well I know it’s a hard thing to grasp especially if you’ve never hurt yourself so I’ll try and explain this clearly. When the body is injured the brain naturally releases the ‘feel good’ hormones called endorphins in response. Endorphins lift your mood and you end up feeling better. So really by self harming the sufferer is causing pain in order to lift their mood; the only difference is that it’s deliberate pain and not accidental. Self Harm can therefore be seen as an emotional regulator put in place when the sufferer can’t access healthy ways to feel better like receiving a hug or talking to a loved one.

Another reason why sufferers self harm could be to use it as a form of punishment. I know for me I have used cutting, burning, starving, and overdosing in order to punish myself for doing something wrong. I’m a perfectionist and therefore I do struggle with seeing myself as failing all the time when humans make mistakes everyday. Because my emotions are intense and my behaviours are extreme I do turn to self harming to punish myself. It’s destructive and painful but I do feel like I deserve it most of the time especially if I feel I’ve hurt a family member or a friend. When I feel very low or numb and empty I do turn to cutting or burning in order to feel something. Emptiness is a difficult emotion to describe but the best I can do is that it’s like that feeling when nothing matters. You’re just existing and nothing is actually making you feel anything. It’s intolerable for me most of the time because I would rather feel something. Anything. The pain from a blade or a burn can provide a feeling that I’m real. That I’m alive. It brings me back into the present especially when I’m experiencing a flashback or severe dissociation. In this respect I want to feel that pain and I want to see myself bleed because I’m alive. It’s an odd thing to get your head around but I suppose if you’ve never felt empty or you've never dissociated then you won’t fully understand the appeal. 

Overdosing is usually a distraction from intolerable emotions. I flip constantly between Anxiety, Anger, Depression, and sometimes Happiness. Because they are off the charts in terms of intensity I struggle to sit with them and act appropriately. Due to my impulsive nature I act before thinking and I’m usually guided solely by my emotions. I get overwhelmed quickly and therefore reach for tablets as a quick fix to feel better. The sickness and pain that comes from an overdose is usually enough to distract me from the emotional turmoil within my head and body. It’s replacing mental pain with physical pain; something I’m more able to deal with. This isn’t a sustainable self harm behaviour, none of them are really, because I put my health at risk due to impulsivity and emotional instability. Overdosing is something I am constantly working to stop but until I am able to fully tolerate my emotions and lower their intensity, I do use it as a crutch to keep me alive.

I am covered with many scars with a large amount along my left arm and wrist. I have self harmed for nearly 12 years in one way or another. It’s become a coping mechanism which has adapted to my needs over time. I no longer see a hug as comfort; I see a blade or a box of tablets. This is very sad and I do really wish to change this mindset. I think when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment you do reach for destructive coping mechanisms in order to survive. I don’t blame 11 year old me for scratching her hand raw whenever she got anxious. I don’t blame 13 year old me for reaching for that sharpener blade to feel something and punish herself for the bullying at school. I don’t blame 19 year old me for starving herself in order to feel in control. And finally, I don’t blame 21 year old me for reaching for her first box of paracetamol as an escape. She did what she had to do in order to survive. Self Harm isn’t shameful; we use it to survive. Remember this.

NG Tubes and Forced Fluids: My Stay in the General Hospital.

The more I've tried to write this the more anxious I have become because this is a very difficult article to write. Going back to that mindset isn't easy and to think of myself so desperate is something I struggle to dwell on. However I wanted to document this part of my journey because I have made an awful lot of progress since then and sometimes you've got to reach rock bottom to realise you need to fight harder for your life. It's about learning you deserve more than a mere existence. You deserve life.

Following my first admission to Wotton Lawn Psychiatric Unit in August 2014 I began to drastically decrease my food intake. I was eating a very limited amount of food and exercising alongside this. It was miserable and absolute torture but I was convinced losing weight would help. Or Anorexia convinced me it would. As well as this I was overdosing nearly everyday on paracetamol to the extent that the tablets themselves lost all meaning; they could have been smarties for all I cared. I was going missing a lot. I was in the midst of a severe mental health crisis and I was experiencing hallucinations. Not only was this worrying to my treatment team but also to my loved ones. They would get frequent calls from the police because I had yet again disappeared and I was a missing person. The truth is I chose to go missing because I didn't want to be Sophie Clayton anymore. I wanted to escape myself. However, as described in my previous post, I was sectioned under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act. My rights were taken away in order to protect me from myself.

My first few weeks in Wotton Lawn were filled with restriction. I refused to eat anything and my weight started to drop considerably into the danger zone; I was near my lowest weight again. This was of great concern to the nurses on the ward and they tried to encourage me to eat small amounts. I refused because they had taken away my other coping mechanisms and I was sort of rebelling. They took away overdosing and self harm so I reasoned I could immerse myself in Anorexia. And I took it to a whole new level.

For 5 days I refused to eat and drink anything. I was starving and dehydrating myself to death. Although I wanted nothing more than to eat something or drink a pint (or 20) of water, I could not allow myself to do it. The voice I my head said no. I desperately cried to my parents and my friends to help me and they encouraged me to take sips of water but I flat out refused. I was growing very weak and I couldn't get out of bed; my body was dying and my mind was disappearing. I wasn't Sophie anymore. I wasn't anyone. The doctors took regular bloods but it wasn't until day 5 that they were forced to act because my blood sugar had dropped to 2.1 and my kidneys were beginning to fail. My body was starting to shut down and I still would not let myself even take a sip of water. This is one of the many things people fail to understand about Eating Disorders; we love food and drink so much that we punish ourselves by restricting them. It's not about the food it's about control. It's about coping with something bigger than the human need to eat and drink.

I was transferred to Gloucester Royal Hospital because I needed emergency treatment. I was told that I would receive just fluids when I left Wotton Lawn but when I got there the doctor also ordered an NG tube. This tube would supply my body with the essential nutrition it needed for it to recover. Immediately I freaked out to the nurse who was on one to one with me. This wasn't the plan. I was too fat to be pumped full of liquid calories. The control would vanish. How would I cope now? YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME. I cried and picked at the cannula they'd already put in for my fluids. 

But my efforts were futile because I was on a section; the doctors could treat me against my will and now I'm so very thankful that they did. So I was moved to an admissions ward and the nurses put up more fluids and a vitamin drip. Once I was calmer (after a strong sedative) two nurses prepared to place the NG tube. I was terrified but a part of me desperately wanted them to just force me. I had no fight left and I just wanted them to do it for me. I wanted food and I wanted drink more than anything. I cried as they steadily inserted and guided the tube through my nose and down my throat into my stomach. It felt very uncomfortable and I had to fight the voice telling me to pull it out.

After an X-Ray confirmed it was in place, they moved me to a ward higher up in the hospital and started the feed. I was on a very slow feed because of my risk of re-feeding syndrome. However, slow as it was, the feeling of absolute disgust Which spread throughout my body felt unbearable. I tampered with the feed constantly and pressed stop on the pump numerous times because I'd had enough. But I know now that the feed and fluids were saving my life. Maybe at that moment I didn't want to be saved. Maybe I wanted to die. But hindsight is powerful and you have no idea just how grateful I am now for that little purple pump. 

It saved Sophie. It saved a person who could not make a decision about life and death; it gave her time to decide fully for herself. 

This was my turning point in terms of Anorexia recovery but also it marked a real change in my treatment plan. It altered the steps I would later take after being discharged back to Wotton Lawn and beyond. There was no going back to starvation or dehydration after that because that was death and I decided to live. I chose life the minute I left hospital and I continue to choose it to this day.

Sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1983 (21/09/2014)

Being sectioned has to be one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever been through. Before this I used to think I wanted it or rather my illness did. But now that my rights and freedom were taken away I am struggling with the idea of actually wanting to be detained under the Mental Health Act. It seems almost bizarre why anyone would wish to be locked up in a hospital. I used to though and I think this experience will have proved to my head this is not what I wanted at all. I suppose you have to really experience something to truly know for yourself.

It started with me going missing one night and I walked around town overdosing. I didn't have a plan at all and I was largely guided by intense emotions and flashbacks. I refused to call or talk to anyone. I wanted to literally disappear and not be Sophie Clayton anymore; I was ready to give up my fight. So I wondered around all night in the cold and rain because I didn't want to go home and face things and I didn't want to voice what was happening in my head. I wanted it all to stop. But after going missing in previous weeks the police were very vigilant. Being handcuffed by the Police outside a supermarket at lunchtime the next day has to be the most humiliating, panic inducing, and lowest moments of my life. I just didn't think they would actually do it and therefore I tried to fight them as best I could in my physical and mental condition. The woman was very harsh and pushed me hard into the police car. And then another car followed us to the main hospital. I was put on Section 136 so the Police could take me to a safe place (hospital) without my consent. However once they had started me on Parvolex (Paracetamol antidote) the police decided to leave and I was therefore left to my own devices. This wasn't good. I started cutting my wrist numerous times until a HCA managed to stop me and pull my hand away. They then took my bag and went to page the doctor. Meanwhile, I decided to tie my shoelaces together for some odd reason; let's just say I wasn't in a great mental place. I'm not even sure what my plan was really. I just wanted to do something. Anything. I felt suicidal and I did not want this drip to protect my liver and therefore save my life.

I was moved to a bay closer to the nurse's station and the shoelaces were taken off me. I felt trapped and I just wanted to leave and go anywhere. They put me on one-to-one which meant a nurse had to sit with me at all times; even when I needed the toilet. I tried to leave numerous times and I kept refusing the antidote. Eventually the doctor chose to use the Mental Capacity Act and therefore could give me treatment without my consent. They restarted the drip and if I tried to stop it they would restrain me physically. The antidote was to save my life and at the time I didn’t want it saved. I wanted to die but they couldn’t let that happen and I’m now extremely grateful for their efforts. Once the drip finished 24 hours later I was assessed by the crisis team and they offered me a bed as an informal patient. This meant that I’d go into a psychiatric unit voluntary. But I didn’t want to be admitted; I wanted to keep overdosing because I was done with living and everything seemed too hard to cope with. Once I refused they chose to get me assessed for a Section 2.

A Section 2 means they can detain someone in hospital for up to 28 days if they are at risk of harming themselves or other people. Two psychiatrists and a social worker came to see me about 3 hours later and spoke to me about how I was feeling and everything that had been going on at that time. I was very quiet and scared and just mentally exhausted. I don’t remember the assessment very clearly which shows how bad things were for me. They decided to section me and found me a bed at Wotton Lawn Psychiatric Hospital in Gloucester. I was then transferred that night by ambulance along with the nurse who was on one-to-one with me.

Receiving a Borderline Diagnosis

That scary moment when you are diagnosed with a Personality Disorder. How can someone recover because, after all, can you really change your personality?

I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) about 5 months ago but I've suffered with it for most of my early adulthood. At first, I was quite resistant to my diagnosis because who really wants to be told they have a disordered personality? Not me. It felt like a personal attack but deep down I knew I fitted into that box. The Overdosing, Self Harm, and Anorexia Nervosa were all a part of this. Add these destructive coping mechanisms to my struggle with interpersonal relationships and inability to tolerate emotions - suddenly it all made sense. I had my reason.

The problem with being diagnosed Borderline is that it has a lot of bad associations with it. Sufferers are seen as manipulative and are liars. They are difficult patients because of how high risk they are and 10% commit suicide. We are seen as aggressive and we act like children. We are out of control and dangerous. We could hurt you and therefore it's best to keep a distance. These views make sufferers feel even more insecure and isolated. Borderlines are sensitive to even the smallest of comments and we do take things to the extreme. Saying we are manipulative makes us feel incredibly bad about ourselves and therefore we will push you away. We get defensive but only because we are programmed to do so. We don't mean to be difficult or scary or anything bad - I promise you this. We are desperate to be loved and cared for and we will go to great lengths to achieve this.

We lack the ability to maintain healthy relationships; borderlines are likely to be needy one minute and then push you away the next. If we sense you are going to abandon us (whether this is real or not) then we will take ourselves away to avoid it BUT we will then blame you for rejecting us. This is a strain on those around us but it's also emotionally draining for us to; just know we do this to the people we care the most about. It's personal because we love you.

Borderlines are notoriously impulsive and destructive so our risk level is off the charts. Due to our dysregulated emotions we experience them intensely. So anger is absolute rage, sadness is despair, happiness is elation, and anxiety is panic. And these emotions happen randomly with very little warning. We do not know how to tolerate them so we use our destructive mechanisms to cope. Personally I use overdosing when I feel rage or despair because these two emotions are too consuming for me to live with. I therefore tend to use Self Harm and Anorexia for panic or elation. Sometimes I disassociate in order to take myself away from the emotions and I cut off from reality for a while. Unlike Bipolar Disorder, our emotions can change faster and last for a smaller period of time. It's more the intensity and the rapid alterations that make life hard for borderlines. Alongside this emotional roller coaster we can experience hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) and delusions (believing in things that are not real or true); both of which are incredibly terrifying.

The causes of BPD are not very clear although there is strong evidence to assume environment in childhood plays a huge part. This can mean childhood neglect, sexual or physical abuse, early loss of a parent, etc. The environment we grow up in is paramount to how we cope with life. If you are raised in a family where emotions are not communicated or are perceived as wrong, you can be vulnerable to dysregulated emotions. Children who believe they need to be 'okay' or perfect tend to want their emotions to be perfect too. I know for me I can't handle any emotion because I was not able to express them when I was younger. I therefore perceive emotions to be wrong and scary. This is a core feature in sufferers but it doesn't mean all sufferers had neglectful parents.

Recovery from BPD takes many years and a lot of effort from the suffer, their loved ones, and mental health services. Due to the nature of BPD, sufferers tend to struggle with their relationship with the professionals who are trying to help them. This means many drop out of treatment due to fears of rejection and abandonment. Sufferers also spend time in and out of hospitals for treatment following overdoses or severe self harm. The trend in recovery is one step forward and then two steps back until the sufferer is secure enough to take a bigger leap forward. Talking therapies are usually the most successful, as are family orientated therapies and short term medication. There is no cure for BPD but there is hope for recovery and a reduction of symptoms as the sufferer gets older.

Childhood Traits of Anorexia Nervosa.

It's logical to assume that until a sufferer is diagnosed with Anorexia or is exhibiting obvious signs, they can't have had the disorder for very long. However, Eating Disorders more often than not start out in childhood and then progressively get worse into adolescence and adulthood. You don't just wake up one morning and start restricting your intake because it's this new idea. It starts slowly and then suddenly turns into a very dangerous and fatal condition if left untreated.


Looking back I think I've had traits of Anorexia since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I always believed I was too big and that I was supposed to be smaller. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin and refused to accept that this was my body. I refused to have my picture taken and this meant that I don't have many childhood pictures from my early teens up until now. At such a young age my relationship with food was disordered but I didn't recognise it at the time. I used to suffer with anxiety particularly around vomiting and this meant I would not eat before journeys or before and at school. I'd only eat at home meaning most of my intake came after I got home from school. This wasn't normal but it felt normal to me. Was this the start of a dysfunctional relationship with food? I'm not too sure. My reasons for restricting were anxiety driven rather than an act to lose weight. However at that time I was overly concerned about how I looked so perhaps subconsciously the anxiety was fuelled by my fear of remaining fat.

I remember being bullied from the age of 10 to 16; it wasn't about my weight but any bullying has a dramatic impact on your self esteem and mine was already low. I just wanted to be accepted and liked and not made fun of anymore. Instead of seeing things as they were, I associated the bullying with my weight. I held the belief that if I was to lose some weight and if I looked more like the popular girls, then maybe the bullying would dissipate. Of course this belief is something which has remained with me and I now constantly fear gaining weight. This is because I believe people won't like me and will bully me again. In this sense bullying has had a huge impact on my life; a few words or comments can destroy a person's self esteem for years afterwards. The bullies move on and forget the things they did and said but I remember everything.

During my teens I became fixated on my weight and how I looked. This is normal for teenagers and it doesn't necessarily mean they will go on to develop an Eating Disorder. What was disordered for me was that I would hide my body as much as I could. I would sit with a cushion covering my stomach or fold my arms to hide it. I would also breathe in when I was around others to attempt to flatten my stomach. I felt horrible about myself and I just wanted to cut the fat off me because I believed it was the key to being happy. I did lose a fair bit of weight in my teens partly due to restriction and exercising in secret, but also due to natural growth. There wasn't much wiggle room whilst I was at home to be able to lose lots of weight because my mum cooked my meals and therefore it was increasingly difficult to hide my little secret.

Instead of purely restricting and hiding food, I refused to show anyone how much I was suffering. Growing up I always felt like I had to be okay all the time; my dad always referred to me as the strong one. I took this to heart and always played my role of being perfect. Bullying reinforced this because if I showed any weakness they would use it against me. I was the okay one after all. But I needed to cope somehow and this lead me to Self Harm. My Self Harm began at the age of 11 by scratching but then developed into cutting myself at age 13. This was my secret way to let out the pain I felt on a daily basis. I couldn't confide in anyone because I was ashamed of it and I didn't understand what I was doing to myself. All I knew was that it felt good and it helped me. Could Self Harm be a trait of Anorexia? Possibly. Starvation is a form of Self Harm because you want to feel that painful hunger in order to feel better. Both cutting and restricting stem from the need to feel better and in control. They both occur from low self esteem; if I felt better about myself I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to hurt my body. Physical pain was much more acceptable than emotional pain and this still resonates with me even now.

Once I attended University at the age of 19 it acted as a catalyst. I started restricting my intake from the off and within 3 months I reached a severely underweight bmi. My body was eating itself for survival. What started off as little traits and behaviours escalated so fast that I completely lost Sophie. The little girl prior to age 8 had long gone and had finally given into the coping mechanism which developed slowly through her childhood. It's terrifying to think how these innocent behaviours accumulate to potential death. Anorexia is a serious mental illness and one that lingers for many years following it's initial diagnosis. I know that Anorexia will always be a part of my life but I'm learning to accept this and focus on not listening to that same voice that tells me I'm too fat.

There are many traits to look out for in childhood and some are simply just phases. But it's always a good idea to remain vigilant because little things do add up. Idolising emaciated bodies and holding onto the belief that being thin will make you happy, is NOT healthy. I never became thin; I became skeletal and almost died from starvation. Restriction is just that - it's an act to prevent the body from surviving. Therefore thinness isn't exactly attainable through starvation and only death is the eventual outcome. Prevention in childhood is paramount in reducing the amount of young people developing Eating Disorders such as Anorexia. Learning about body image and what a healthy body looks like is the key to instilling in children that skinny is not what they should aspire to become. A healthy diet with no restrictions is the best nourishment for their body and mind. As is feeling good in your own skin from a young age which increases self esteem and confidence.

Fear Foods.

How can food be feared? 

This is one of the questions I'm asked quite often when I express fear over eating a particular food or meal. To 'normal' people it seems somewhat bizarre to fear something that tastes delicious; to fear something that keeps you alive. But to Eating Disorder sufferers food is more than a basic need and it's morphed into this love-hate relationship. Everyone needs food to live including Anorexics. We don't starve ourselves completely because there is no way we would survive in the short term. Instead we restrict our intakes in a careful and controlled manner. It's all calculated; either by calories, macros, or simply by portion size. Every sufferer is different but we all have this destructive relationship with food.

Because we are so controlling with our intake eventually we compile this long list of fear foods. Some foods are obvious and others may confuse those around us. I know my fear of water left people gaping at the mouth; water has zero calories. However my fear of water was linked to water weight and also the fear that it was all lies and in fact it had masses of calories. Eating Disorders are not logical. No matter what the food is, the fear is very real to the sufferer and it can cause extreme anxiety. At my worst I had to wash bowls, plates, and cutlery numerous times to get the calories off them if someone else had used them. I also believed that touching something would mean the calories would seep into my skin and create fat. Again, Eating Disorders are NOT logical.

The best approach to someone who is struggling with fear foods is to not make fun of them or call their fear invalid. Remember what seems odd to you is terrifying to the sufferer. You could quite happily eat a chocolate bar or drink a glass of juice and enjoy it BUT a person with an ED views this as losing control. They believe that one chocolate bar is going to make them gain loads of weight. Making fun of someone's fears makes them feel embarrassed and ashamed. They are less likely to confide in you again and less likely to tackle the fear food in your presence or even tackle it at all.

Encourage the sufferer to tackle a fear and possibly eat the fear food with them at the same time. We feel so much safer if we tackle the fears with someone rather than on our own. It also makes eating the fear food seem normal and not something to be feared. Creating a comfortable atmosphere helps too because a relaxed and calm environment puts the sufferer at ease. Try taking the emphasis off the food by talking about something else or about yourself; sufferers can be very inwards and spend a lot of time focusing on their own problems. It's good to plan an activity for afterwards as a distraction because guilt can have a negative impact on the sufferer and they may choose to purge the challenge or restrict later on to compensate.

The most important part of helping someone tackle a fear food is to keep encouraging them to challenge it until it becomes safe. Usually eating the fear food once does not banish the fear. I know when I was challenging chocolate I would eat a different bar every monday. The more you eat the fear food and the longer you do it, the more likely it is that it will become safe.

Sky News Interview (11/09/14)

I was asked by Beat if I was willing to be interviewed on the dangers of 'Thinspo' and 'Pro-Ana' on social media a few weeks ago and I immediately put myself forward.

On Thursday a Sky News reporter and a cameraman came to my house to ask me questions on how much these images have impacted upon my life.

Having been personally affected by this I was extremely passionate about reaching out to other sufferers. I want to use my experience as a warning to parents, relatives, and friends of those with Eating Disorders that such images exist. But also to young girls who might currently aspire to look like these images.

As a person recovering from Anorexia myself, I used to spend my days fascinated by pictures of severely underweight bodies. I was jealous and I used the images to prevent myself from eating. It was extremely addictive and fuelled my restriction. At my worst I would spend 5-6 hours a day refreshing the feeds for new and 'inspiring' bodies I could become. Well...if I continued to starve myself that is. Even now my perception of what a healthy body should look like is extremely skewed and I still mentally fixate on being thin and dainty like the images that used to plague my mind.

I don't believe these emaciated bodies and unreal images cause Eating Disorders; the causes are usually from genetics and environment along with life events. However, the images exacerbate the illness and give sufferers ideals which are not healthy and are frankly unattainable unless you are a skeleton. In this case the person in the images would either be dying or already be dead. The angles of the images are also misleading and most are taken with the person breathing in or posing in an unnatural way. Thigh gaps are particularly misleading because the person merely needs to lean forwards and stick their lower half backwards - anyone can have a thigh gap if they stood like this. But to vulnerable people they don't notice the angles and therefore believe that these bodies are attainable and they must be able to reach that 'look' themselves. Photoshop is also used to increase certain areas such as your bust and decrease your waist; in reality a person can't attain this unless they had surgery. These images are not natural and they are not healthy.

So why do sites such as Google, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook allow images to be so accessible? It's possibly due to the nature of social media; it's incredibly hard to police. The amount of images continues to rise and there is literally no way of deleting them all especially if people behind them continue to tag them with new words all deriving from Anorexia. I do want to praise Tumblr and Instagram because they do now provide messages to their users with information on Eating Disorders and where to go to get help. These messages pop up the minute you type in 'Anorexia'. This is a definite step in the right direction but I do feel more needs to be done.

Awareness is key and I've always stood by the view that prevention is better than cure. Eating Disorders are dangerous and they have the highest mortality rate of any other Mental Illness. Therefore more needs to be done in protecting vulnerable people from images which are unhealthy and lead to masses of health problems should the sufferer use them as their goal. Reality is that 1 in 5 sufferers will die either due to complications of their Eating Disorder or from suicide.

This is a shocking statistic.

I hope that once my feature is broadcast it will reach out to viewers nationwide. If it can help one person then I believe it was all worth it. My aim in recovery is to be open about my struggles and my worst days because, although it's painful, it may help those who are falling into similar behaviours.