Receiving a Borderline Diagnosis

That scary moment when you are diagnosed with a Personality Disorder. How can someone recover because, after all, can you really change your personality?

I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) about 5 months ago but I've suffered with it for most of my early adulthood. At first, I was quite resistant to my diagnosis because who really wants to be told they have a disordered personality? Not me. It felt like a personal attack but deep down I knew I fitted into that box. The Overdosing, Self Harm, and Anorexia Nervosa were all a part of this. Add these destructive coping mechanisms to my struggle with interpersonal relationships and inability to tolerate emotions - suddenly it all made sense. I had my reason.

The problem with being diagnosed Borderline is that it has a lot of bad associations with it. Sufferers are seen as manipulative and are liars. They are difficult patients because of how high risk they are and 10% commit suicide. We are seen as aggressive and we act like children. We are out of control and dangerous. We could hurt you and therefore it's best to keep a distance. These views make sufferers feel even more insecure and isolated. Borderlines are sensitive to even the smallest of comments and we do take things to the extreme. Saying we are manipulative makes us feel incredibly bad about ourselves and therefore we will push you away. We get defensive but only because we are programmed to do so. We don't mean to be difficult or scary or anything bad - I promise you this. We are desperate to be loved and cared for and we will go to great lengths to achieve this.

We lack the ability to maintain healthy relationships; borderlines are likely to be needy one minute and then push you away the next. If we sense you are going to abandon us (whether this is real or not) then we will take ourselves away to avoid it BUT we will then blame you for rejecting us. This is a strain on those around us but it's also emotionally draining for us to; just know we do this to the people we care the most about. It's personal because we love you.

Borderlines are notoriously impulsive and destructive so our risk level is off the charts. Due to our dysregulated emotions we experience them intensely. So anger is absolute rage, sadness is despair, happiness is elation, and anxiety is panic. And these emotions happen randomly with very little warning. We do not know how to tolerate them so we use our destructive mechanisms to cope. Personally I use overdosing when I feel rage or despair because these two emotions are too consuming for me to live with. I therefore tend to use Self Harm and Anorexia for panic or elation. Sometimes I disassociate in order to take myself away from the emotions and I cut off from reality for a while. Unlike Bipolar Disorder, our emotions can change faster and last for a smaller period of time. It's more the intensity and the rapid alterations that make life hard for borderlines. Alongside this emotional roller coaster we can experience hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) and delusions (believing in things that are not real or true); both of which are incredibly terrifying.

The causes of BPD are not very clear although there is strong evidence to assume environment in childhood plays a huge part. This can mean childhood neglect, sexual or physical abuse, early loss of a parent, etc. The environment we grow up in is paramount to how we cope with life. If you are raised in a family where emotions are not communicated or are perceived as wrong, you can be vulnerable to dysregulated emotions. Children who believe they need to be 'okay' or perfect tend to want their emotions to be perfect too. I know for me I can't handle any emotion because I was not able to express them when I was younger. I therefore perceive emotions to be wrong and scary. This is a core feature in sufferers but it doesn't mean all sufferers had neglectful parents.

Recovery from BPD takes many years and a lot of effort from the suffer, their loved ones, and mental health services. Due to the nature of BPD, sufferers tend to struggle with their relationship with the professionals who are trying to help them. This means many drop out of treatment due to fears of rejection and abandonment. Sufferers also spend time in and out of hospitals for treatment following overdoses or severe self harm. The trend in recovery is one step forward and then two steps back until the sufferer is secure enough to take a bigger leap forward. Talking therapies are usually the most successful, as are family orientated therapies and short term medication. There is no cure for BPD but there is hope for recovery and a reduction of symptoms as the sufferer gets older.