Childhood Traits of Anorexia Nervosa.

It's logical to assume that until a sufferer is diagnosed with Anorexia or is exhibiting obvious signs, they can't have had the disorder for very long. However, Eating Disorders more often than not start out in childhood and then progressively get worse into adolescence and adulthood. You don't just wake up one morning and start restricting your intake because it's this new idea. It starts slowly and then suddenly turns into a very dangerous and fatal condition if left untreated.


Looking back I think I've had traits of Anorexia since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I always believed I was too big and that I was supposed to be smaller. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin and refused to accept that this was my body. I refused to have my picture taken and this meant that I don't have many childhood pictures from my early teens up until now. At such a young age my relationship with food was disordered but I didn't recognise it at the time. I used to suffer with anxiety particularly around vomiting and this meant I would not eat before journeys or before and at school. I'd only eat at home meaning most of my intake came after I got home from school. This wasn't normal but it felt normal to me. Was this the start of a dysfunctional relationship with food? I'm not too sure. My reasons for restricting were anxiety driven rather than an act to lose weight. However at that time I was overly concerned about how I looked so perhaps subconsciously the anxiety was fuelled by my fear of remaining fat.

I remember being bullied from the age of 10 to 16; it wasn't about my weight but any bullying has a dramatic impact on your self esteem and mine was already low. I just wanted to be accepted and liked and not made fun of anymore. Instead of seeing things as they were, I associated the bullying with my weight. I held the belief that if I was to lose some weight and if I looked more like the popular girls, then maybe the bullying would dissipate. Of course this belief is something which has remained with me and I now constantly fear gaining weight. This is because I believe people won't like me and will bully me again. In this sense bullying has had a huge impact on my life; a few words or comments can destroy a person's self esteem for years afterwards. The bullies move on and forget the things they did and said but I remember everything.

During my teens I became fixated on my weight and how I looked. This is normal for teenagers and it doesn't necessarily mean they will go on to develop an Eating Disorder. What was disordered for me was that I would hide my body as much as I could. I would sit with a cushion covering my stomach or fold my arms to hide it. I would also breathe in when I was around others to attempt to flatten my stomach. I felt horrible about myself and I just wanted to cut the fat off me because I believed it was the key to being happy. I did lose a fair bit of weight in my teens partly due to restriction and exercising in secret, but also due to natural growth. There wasn't much wiggle room whilst I was at home to be able to lose lots of weight because my mum cooked my meals and therefore it was increasingly difficult to hide my little secret.

Instead of purely restricting and hiding food, I refused to show anyone how much I was suffering. Growing up I always felt like I had to be okay all the time; my dad always referred to me as the strong one. I took this to heart and always played my role of being perfect. Bullying reinforced this because if I showed any weakness they would use it against me. I was the okay one after all. But I needed to cope somehow and this lead me to Self Harm. My Self Harm began at the age of 11 by scratching but then developed into cutting myself at age 13. This was my secret way to let out the pain I felt on a daily basis. I couldn't confide in anyone because I was ashamed of it and I didn't understand what I was doing to myself. All I knew was that it felt good and it helped me. Could Self Harm be a trait of Anorexia? Possibly. Starvation is a form of Self Harm because you want to feel that painful hunger in order to feel better. Both cutting and restricting stem from the need to feel better and in control. They both occur from low self esteem; if I felt better about myself I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to hurt my body. Physical pain was much more acceptable than emotional pain and this still resonates with me even now.

Once I attended University at the age of 19 it acted as a catalyst. I started restricting my intake from the off and within 3 months I reached a severely underweight bmi. My body was eating itself for survival. What started off as little traits and behaviours escalated so fast that I completely lost Sophie. The little girl prior to age 8 had long gone and had finally given into the coping mechanism which developed slowly through her childhood. It's terrifying to think how these innocent behaviours accumulate to potential death. Anorexia is a serious mental illness and one that lingers for many years following it's initial diagnosis. I know that Anorexia will always be a part of my life but I'm learning to accept this and focus on not listening to that same voice that tells me I'm too fat.

There are many traits to look out for in childhood and some are simply just phases. But it's always a good idea to remain vigilant because little things do add up. Idolising emaciated bodies and holding onto the belief that being thin will make you happy, is NOT healthy. I never became thin; I became skeletal and almost died from starvation. Restriction is just that - it's an act to prevent the body from surviving. Therefore thinness isn't exactly attainable through starvation and only death is the eventual outcome. Prevention in childhood is paramount in reducing the amount of young people developing Eating Disorders such as Anorexia. Learning about body image and what a healthy body looks like is the key to instilling in children that skinny is not what they should aspire to become. A healthy diet with no restrictions is the best nourishment for their body and mind. As is feeling good in your own skin from a young age which increases self esteem and confidence.