Self Harm is something I never openly talk about to anyone and it’s something that holds a huge amount of stigma in today’s society. So much so I feel ashamed to be even writing this. I guess in writing this I am doing my bit to tackle that stigma and raise awareness of this very secretive and self destructive behaviour. I think a lot of this shame comes from reactions I have had to deal with when I’ve disclosed this ‘dirty little secret’. Reactions from both family and friends which have induced this longstanding and torturing feeling of shame.
Self Harm takes various forms some of which might seem terrifying or even disgusting to those of you who don’t engage in it. I’m not blaming you for your natural response; as humans it is instinct to protect ourselves from pain and hurting ourselves falls under that umbrella. However, people who self harm may be causing themselves pain but really they are doing it to feel better. Makes very little sense, right? Well I know it’s a hard thing to grasp especially if you’ve never hurt yourself so I’ll try and explain this clearly. When the body is injured the brain naturally releases the ‘feel good’ hormones called endorphins in response. Endorphins lift your mood and you end up feeling better. So really by self harming the sufferer is causing pain in order to lift their mood; the only difference is that it’s deliberate pain and not accidental. Self Harm can therefore be seen as an emotional regulator put in place when the sufferer can’t access healthy ways to feel better like receiving a hug or talking to a loved one.
Another reason why sufferers self harm could be to use it as a form of punishment. I know for me I have used cutting, burning, starving, and overdosing in order to punish myself for doing something wrong. I’m a perfectionist and therefore I do struggle with seeing myself as failing all the time when humans make mistakes everyday. Because my emotions are intense and my behaviours are extreme I do turn to self harming to punish myself. It’s destructive and painful but I do feel like I deserve it most of the time especially if I feel I’ve hurt a family member or a friend. When I feel very low or numb and empty I do turn to cutting or burning in order to feel something. Emptiness is a difficult emotion to describe but the best I can do is that it’s like that feeling when nothing matters. You’re just existing and nothing is actually making you feel anything. It’s intolerable for me most of the time because I would rather feel something. Anything. The pain from a blade or a burn can provide a feeling that I’m real. That I’m alive. It brings me back into the present especially when I’m experiencing a flashback or severe dissociation. In this respect I want to feel that pain and I want to see myself bleed because I’m alive. It’s an odd thing to get your head around but I suppose if you’ve never felt empty or you've never dissociated then you won’t fully understand the appeal.
Overdosing is usually a distraction from intolerable emotions. I flip constantly between Anxiety, Anger, Depression, and sometimes Happiness. Because they are off the charts in terms of intensity I struggle to sit with them and act appropriately. Due to my impulsive nature I act before thinking and I’m usually guided solely by my emotions. I get overwhelmed quickly and therefore reach for tablets as a quick fix to feel better. The sickness and pain that comes from an overdose is usually enough to distract me from the emotional turmoil within my head and body. It’s replacing mental pain with physical pain; something I’m more able to deal with. This isn’t a sustainable self harm behaviour, none of them are really, because I put my health at risk due to impulsivity and emotional instability. Overdosing is something I am constantly working to stop but until I am able to fully tolerate my emotions and lower their intensity, I do use it as a crutch to keep me alive.
I am covered with many scars with a large amount along my left arm and wrist. I have self harmed for nearly 12 years in one way or another. It’s become a coping mechanism which has adapted to my needs over time. I no longer see a hug as comfort; I see a blade or a box of tablets. This is very sad and I do really wish to change this mindset. I think when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment you do reach for destructive coping mechanisms in order to survive. I don’t blame 11 year old me for scratching her hand raw whenever she got anxious. I don’t blame 13 year old me for reaching for that sharpener blade to feel something and punish herself for the bullying at school. I don’t blame 19 year old me for starving herself in order to feel in control. And finally, I don’t blame 21 year old me for reaching for her first box of paracetamol as an escape. She did what she had to do in order to survive. Self Harm isn’t shameful; we use it to survive. Remember this.
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