Complex Trauma & Me.

I’ve decided I want this post to be about what I’m currently struggling with and I suppose it makes myself somewhat vulnerable. I feel almost naked in writing this because this is my life as it currently stands. This is how I act, see, and feel. I’m not going to disclose the details of what the trauma was, not only because I’m not ready for that but because legally I can’t and I apologise for this. 

Trauma can be from absolutely anything but it’s defined as a result of a severely distressing event. Complex trauma usually means the event was interpersonal and happened over a long period of time or the person has suffered multiple traumatic experiences in their life. Complex trauma is also usually associated with childhood. I think once you grasp the definition of something it makes it easier to understand the person. If you merely see their symptoms then you are less likely to understand why they are the way they are. Once you understand, then you can support them and I suppose that’s the aim of all this honesty stuff. You need someone to make that move to interrupt the silence associated with mental health. That stigma. I have a voice and this is me using it.

For me trauma is the root cause of my dysfunctions and illnesses. I am not a diagnosis. I am a trauma survivor (I was inclined to put victim but my therapist would probably beg to differ!) and this is why I am myself. Trauma has shaped my life and made me who I am today; this includes the good and those pesky bad parts. I fear abandonment to the extent that I will do absolutely anything to avoid it which can mean I push people away before they can leave. I am needy one minute and completely off with you the next. I am desperate for attention but I hate pity. I long for a relationship but fear the potential abuse that could follow. I’m impulsive and then I suddenly plan everything in immense detail. Trauma has turned me into a paradox. I’m very hard to understand but if you keep reading maybe you will begin to. Maybe, just maybe, you will gain an insight into this.

I dissociate a lot and this is fairly common in trauma survivors. It’s a creative coping mechanism I formed when I was young in order to survive the unsurvivable. It’s a method that can be described as a vivd and intense daydream. You are not present in the here and now. You are elsewhere. This served me well when the abuse was going on; my body was physically there but my mind was somewhere very different. The problem is that it’s served it’s purpose now but my mind and body don’t seem to understand this. They think the abuse is still happening. So I dissociate and this gets me into very risky and dangerous situations. I also switch into my other ego states; Anna and Alice. Anna is a the child part of me and I think she usually comes about when I’m triggered about missing my family. She wants her parents back and she’s very unconsolable when this happens. Her voice is quite small and childlike. Her main dysfunctional method is to restrict and make me small again; make me like her. This is where Anorexia grows and strengthens. Whereas Alice is the impulsive and reckless teenager. She needs to act. Now. So she does and we run away to big scary places like London or we overdose. Or we sit by train stations. Or we walk to bridges in the early hours of the morning. She wants our pain to end now and she has to act. Her role is there because I couldn’t act when the abuse happened so she overcompensates now. She makes sure we flee and we flee fast.

Not only does dissociation happen but also there’s this flip from hyper arousal to hypo arousal all day long depending on triggers. When I’m hyper I will be impulsive and fuelled by anger or anxiety. Whereas if I’m hypo I will either cry hysterically or I’ll stare into space for hours. Losing time constantly. When I do this I have no access to rational thought. It’s just not there. I need someone to ground me back to the here and now so I don’t impulsively take an overdose or cut. If I’m not grounded I swallow those pills one by one and think it’s the best idea in the whole world. It’s a very hard feeling to express into words but I’ll try. You feel either hopeless and you want to die or you feel invincible and utterly reckless. Nothing can touch you and all that matters is acting and getting away from those scary emotions that we don’t tolerate. 

Add this to the nightmares, body flashbacks (feeling hands on you), fear of leaving the flat, fear of staying in the flat, fear of trusting someone, confusion, showering over 10 times a day, and many many more reactions. Trauma impacts upon my life as a whole but especially my relationships with friends and family. Recovery is a long process and takes many years and an awful lot of courage to fight. You have to process the trauma and start to rebuild your life. You have to learn to love yourself which I’m told is the key to this recovery business. I’m not sold on that one but the more I am told this, the more I am starting to accept. I didn’t ask to be traumatised. It was not my fault or my choice. Recovery is my choice and recovery is what I will continue to choose.