Receiving a Borderline Diagnosis

That scary moment when you are diagnosed with a Personality Disorder. How can someone recover because, after all, can you really change your personality?

I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) about 5 months ago but I've suffered with it for most of my early adulthood. At first, I was quite resistant to my diagnosis because who really wants to be told they have a disordered personality? Not me. It felt like a personal attack but deep down I knew I fitted into that box. The Overdosing, Self Harm, and Anorexia Nervosa were all a part of this. Add these destructive coping mechanisms to my struggle with interpersonal relationships and inability to tolerate emotions - suddenly it all made sense. I had my reason.

The problem with being diagnosed Borderline is that it has a lot of bad associations with it. Sufferers are seen as manipulative and are liars. They are difficult patients because of how high risk they are and 10% commit suicide. We are seen as aggressive and we act like children. We are out of control and dangerous. We could hurt you and therefore it's best to keep a distance. These views make sufferers feel even more insecure and isolated. Borderlines are sensitive to even the smallest of comments and we do take things to the extreme. Saying we are manipulative makes us feel incredibly bad about ourselves and therefore we will push you away. We get defensive but only because we are programmed to do so. We don't mean to be difficult or scary or anything bad - I promise you this. We are desperate to be loved and cared for and we will go to great lengths to achieve this.

We lack the ability to maintain healthy relationships; borderlines are likely to be needy one minute and then push you away the next. If we sense you are going to abandon us (whether this is real or not) then we will take ourselves away to avoid it BUT we will then blame you for rejecting us. This is a strain on those around us but it's also emotionally draining for us to; just know we do this to the people we care the most about. It's personal because we love you.

Borderlines are notoriously impulsive and destructive so our risk level is off the charts. Due to our dysregulated emotions we experience them intensely. So anger is absolute rage, sadness is despair, happiness is elation, and anxiety is panic. And these emotions happen randomly with very little warning. We do not know how to tolerate them so we use our destructive mechanisms to cope. Personally I use overdosing when I feel rage or despair because these two emotions are too consuming for me to live with. I therefore tend to use Self Harm and Anorexia for panic or elation. Sometimes I disassociate in order to take myself away from the emotions and I cut off from reality for a while. Unlike Bipolar Disorder, our emotions can change faster and last for a smaller period of time. It's more the intensity and the rapid alterations that make life hard for borderlines. Alongside this emotional roller coaster we can experience hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren't there) and delusions (believing in things that are not real or true); both of which are incredibly terrifying.

The causes of BPD are not very clear although there is strong evidence to assume environment in childhood plays a huge part. This can mean childhood neglect, sexual or physical abuse, early loss of a parent, etc. The environment we grow up in is paramount to how we cope with life. If you are raised in a family where emotions are not communicated or are perceived as wrong, you can be vulnerable to dysregulated emotions. Children who believe they need to be 'okay' or perfect tend to want their emotions to be perfect too. I know for me I can't handle any emotion because I was not able to express them when I was younger. I therefore perceive emotions to be wrong and scary. This is a core feature in sufferers but it doesn't mean all sufferers had neglectful parents.

Recovery from BPD takes many years and a lot of effort from the suffer, their loved ones, and mental health services. Due to the nature of BPD, sufferers tend to struggle with their relationship with the professionals who are trying to help them. This means many drop out of treatment due to fears of rejection and abandonment. Sufferers also spend time in and out of hospitals for treatment following overdoses or severe self harm. The trend in recovery is one step forward and then two steps back until the sufferer is secure enough to take a bigger leap forward. Talking therapies are usually the most successful, as are family orientated therapies and short term medication. There is no cure for BPD but there is hope for recovery and a reduction of symptoms as the sufferer gets older.

Childhood Traits of Anorexia Nervosa.

It's logical to assume that until a sufferer is diagnosed with Anorexia or is exhibiting obvious signs, they can't have had the disorder for very long. However, Eating Disorders more often than not start out in childhood and then progressively get worse into adolescence and adulthood. You don't just wake up one morning and start restricting your intake because it's this new idea. It starts slowly and then suddenly turns into a very dangerous and fatal condition if left untreated.


Looking back I think I've had traits of Anorexia since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I always believed I was too big and that I was supposed to be smaller. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin and refused to accept that this was my body. I refused to have my picture taken and this meant that I don't have many childhood pictures from my early teens up until now. At such a young age my relationship with food was disordered but I didn't recognise it at the time. I used to suffer with anxiety particularly around vomiting and this meant I would not eat before journeys or before and at school. I'd only eat at home meaning most of my intake came after I got home from school. This wasn't normal but it felt normal to me. Was this the start of a dysfunctional relationship with food? I'm not too sure. My reasons for restricting were anxiety driven rather than an act to lose weight. However at that time I was overly concerned about how I looked so perhaps subconsciously the anxiety was fuelled by my fear of remaining fat.

I remember being bullied from the age of 10 to 16; it wasn't about my weight but any bullying has a dramatic impact on your self esteem and mine was already low. I just wanted to be accepted and liked and not made fun of anymore. Instead of seeing things as they were, I associated the bullying with my weight. I held the belief that if I was to lose some weight and if I looked more like the popular girls, then maybe the bullying would dissipate. Of course this belief is something which has remained with me and I now constantly fear gaining weight. This is because I believe people won't like me and will bully me again. In this sense bullying has had a huge impact on my life; a few words or comments can destroy a person's self esteem for years afterwards. The bullies move on and forget the things they did and said but I remember everything.

During my teens I became fixated on my weight and how I looked. This is normal for teenagers and it doesn't necessarily mean they will go on to develop an Eating Disorder. What was disordered for me was that I would hide my body as much as I could. I would sit with a cushion covering my stomach or fold my arms to hide it. I would also breathe in when I was around others to attempt to flatten my stomach. I felt horrible about myself and I just wanted to cut the fat off me because I believed it was the key to being happy. I did lose a fair bit of weight in my teens partly due to restriction and exercising in secret, but also due to natural growth. There wasn't much wiggle room whilst I was at home to be able to lose lots of weight because my mum cooked my meals and therefore it was increasingly difficult to hide my little secret.

Instead of purely restricting and hiding food, I refused to show anyone how much I was suffering. Growing up I always felt like I had to be okay all the time; my dad always referred to me as the strong one. I took this to heart and always played my role of being perfect. Bullying reinforced this because if I showed any weakness they would use it against me. I was the okay one after all. But I needed to cope somehow and this lead me to Self Harm. My Self Harm began at the age of 11 by scratching but then developed into cutting myself at age 13. This was my secret way to let out the pain I felt on a daily basis. I couldn't confide in anyone because I was ashamed of it and I didn't understand what I was doing to myself. All I knew was that it felt good and it helped me. Could Self Harm be a trait of Anorexia? Possibly. Starvation is a form of Self Harm because you want to feel that painful hunger in order to feel better. Both cutting and restricting stem from the need to feel better and in control. They both occur from low self esteem; if I felt better about myself I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to hurt my body. Physical pain was much more acceptable than emotional pain and this still resonates with me even now.

Once I attended University at the age of 19 it acted as a catalyst. I started restricting my intake from the off and within 3 months I reached a severely underweight bmi. My body was eating itself for survival. What started off as little traits and behaviours escalated so fast that I completely lost Sophie. The little girl prior to age 8 had long gone and had finally given into the coping mechanism which developed slowly through her childhood. It's terrifying to think how these innocent behaviours accumulate to potential death. Anorexia is a serious mental illness and one that lingers for many years following it's initial diagnosis. I know that Anorexia will always be a part of my life but I'm learning to accept this and focus on not listening to that same voice that tells me I'm too fat.

There are many traits to look out for in childhood and some are simply just phases. But it's always a good idea to remain vigilant because little things do add up. Idolising emaciated bodies and holding onto the belief that being thin will make you happy, is NOT healthy. I never became thin; I became skeletal and almost died from starvation. Restriction is just that - it's an act to prevent the body from surviving. Therefore thinness isn't exactly attainable through starvation and only death is the eventual outcome. Prevention in childhood is paramount in reducing the amount of young people developing Eating Disorders such as Anorexia. Learning about body image and what a healthy body looks like is the key to instilling in children that skinny is not what they should aspire to become. A healthy diet with no restrictions is the best nourishment for their body and mind. As is feeling good in your own skin from a young age which increases self esteem and confidence.

Fear Foods.

How can food be feared? 

This is one of the questions I'm asked quite often when I express fear over eating a particular food or meal. To 'normal' people it seems somewhat bizarre to fear something that tastes delicious; to fear something that keeps you alive. But to Eating Disorder sufferers food is more than a basic need and it's morphed into this love-hate relationship. Everyone needs food to live including Anorexics. We don't starve ourselves completely because there is no way we would survive in the short term. Instead we restrict our intakes in a careful and controlled manner. It's all calculated; either by calories, macros, or simply by portion size. Every sufferer is different but we all have this destructive relationship with food.

Because we are so controlling with our intake eventually we compile this long list of fear foods. Some foods are obvious and others may confuse those around us. I know my fear of water left people gaping at the mouth; water has zero calories. However my fear of water was linked to water weight and also the fear that it was all lies and in fact it had masses of calories. Eating Disorders are not logical. No matter what the food is, the fear is very real to the sufferer and it can cause extreme anxiety. At my worst I had to wash bowls, plates, and cutlery numerous times to get the calories off them if someone else had used them. I also believed that touching something would mean the calories would seep into my skin and create fat. Again, Eating Disorders are NOT logical.

The best approach to someone who is struggling with fear foods is to not make fun of them or call their fear invalid. Remember what seems odd to you is terrifying to the sufferer. You could quite happily eat a chocolate bar or drink a glass of juice and enjoy it BUT a person with an ED views this as losing control. They believe that one chocolate bar is going to make them gain loads of weight. Making fun of someone's fears makes them feel embarrassed and ashamed. They are less likely to confide in you again and less likely to tackle the fear food in your presence or even tackle it at all.

Encourage the sufferer to tackle a fear and possibly eat the fear food with them at the same time. We feel so much safer if we tackle the fears with someone rather than on our own. It also makes eating the fear food seem normal and not something to be feared. Creating a comfortable atmosphere helps too because a relaxed and calm environment puts the sufferer at ease. Try taking the emphasis off the food by talking about something else or about yourself; sufferers can be very inwards and spend a lot of time focusing on their own problems. It's good to plan an activity for afterwards as a distraction because guilt can have a negative impact on the sufferer and they may choose to purge the challenge or restrict later on to compensate.

The most important part of helping someone tackle a fear food is to keep encouraging them to challenge it until it becomes safe. Usually eating the fear food once does not banish the fear. I know when I was challenging chocolate I would eat a different bar every monday. The more you eat the fear food and the longer you do it, the more likely it is that it will become safe.

Sky News Interview (11/09/14)

I was asked by Beat if I was willing to be interviewed on the dangers of 'Thinspo' and 'Pro-Ana' on social media a few weeks ago and I immediately put myself forward.

On Thursday a Sky News reporter and a cameraman came to my house to ask me questions on how much these images have impacted upon my life.

Having been personally affected by this I was extremely passionate about reaching out to other sufferers. I want to use my experience as a warning to parents, relatives, and friends of those with Eating Disorders that such images exist. But also to young girls who might currently aspire to look like these images.

As a person recovering from Anorexia myself, I used to spend my days fascinated by pictures of severely underweight bodies. I was jealous and I used the images to prevent myself from eating. It was extremely addictive and fuelled my restriction. At my worst I would spend 5-6 hours a day refreshing the feeds for new and 'inspiring' bodies I could become. Well...if I continued to starve myself that is. Even now my perception of what a healthy body should look like is extremely skewed and I still mentally fixate on being thin and dainty like the images that used to plague my mind.

I don't believe these emaciated bodies and unreal images cause Eating Disorders; the causes are usually from genetics and environment along with life events. However, the images exacerbate the illness and give sufferers ideals which are not healthy and are frankly unattainable unless you are a skeleton. In this case the person in the images would either be dying or already be dead. The angles of the images are also misleading and most are taken with the person breathing in or posing in an unnatural way. Thigh gaps are particularly misleading because the person merely needs to lean forwards and stick their lower half backwards - anyone can have a thigh gap if they stood like this. But to vulnerable people they don't notice the angles and therefore believe that these bodies are attainable and they must be able to reach that 'look' themselves. Photoshop is also used to increase certain areas such as your bust and decrease your waist; in reality a person can't attain this unless they had surgery. These images are not natural and they are not healthy.

So why do sites such as Google, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook allow images to be so accessible? It's possibly due to the nature of social media; it's incredibly hard to police. The amount of images continues to rise and there is literally no way of deleting them all especially if people behind them continue to tag them with new words all deriving from Anorexia. I do want to praise Tumblr and Instagram because they do now provide messages to their users with information on Eating Disorders and where to go to get help. These messages pop up the minute you type in 'Anorexia'. This is a definite step in the right direction but I do feel more needs to be done.

Awareness is key and I've always stood by the view that prevention is better than cure. Eating Disorders are dangerous and they have the highest mortality rate of any other Mental Illness. Therefore more needs to be done in protecting vulnerable people from images which are unhealthy and lead to masses of health problems should the sufferer use them as their goal. Reality is that 1 in 5 sufferers will die either due to complications of their Eating Disorder or from suicide.

This is a shocking statistic.

I hope that once my feature is broadcast it will reach out to viewers nationwide. If it can help one person then I believe it was all worth it. My aim in recovery is to be open about my struggles and my worst days because, although it's painful, it may help those who are falling into similar behaviours.