Nights of Loneliness.

"Olly Olly Oxen Free."

Everyone needs one. You get to come out of hiding without losing the game. In life it would be nice to say it and for it to be true. I feel like this when it's late at night or in the early hours of the morning when I find myself frozen under my sink. Or sleeping on the cold hard floor because the bed feels too triggering. And I want to scream, "Olly Olly Oxen Free" like I did in the school playground many moons ago. That way I'd feel safe to get up. I'd feel safe and secure to be seen. And I'd know for sure nothing bad will happen if I move. Because feeling paralysed to the ground is horrific. I either wait for someone to find me because I need to be reassured it's safe to come out of hiding. Or I stay put and wait for the feeling to pass. I just want someone to say it; to say the game, or rather the flashback, is over and not real. That confirmation I can move.

But reality isn't hide and seek. It's definitely not a childhood game in the playground during lunchtime. No one is going to say it and the words aren't magic. When you're a child you believe in magic and your imagination is as vast as the ocean. Sadly that begins to fade as you age and the more that happens to you, the quicker it goes. After years of constant abuse it's safe to say the magic ended for me years ago. And now make believe feels incredibly childish even if it's all I want. So I sit on the floor knowing full well these words won't make me feel better and they certainly won't make me feel safer. I'm too cynical now. Maybe people need to be my Olly Olly Oxen Free. I need to let them be my safety and allow myself to feel safe. I haven't felt safe for a long time. Not completely and I don't know if I ever will.

Trauma at night is horrendous. It begins in the evening and builds as time passes. It alters my thoughts and makes everywhere feel unsafe like I'm treading on uneven ground. And then I wobble. I stumble. I take a fall and I crumble losing every sense of reality. I'm in the past. Stuck. And I need someone, anyone, to pull me out. To give me some respite from the thoughts which often lead to urges which then lead to behaviours. The flashbacks are real to me. They take me back in time like an imaginary time machine. But I don't choose to get in; I just don't have a choice. These hours are my loneliest time. My most vulnerable and terrifying time where I find myself in a crisis. I pace my room. I tidy to avoid the thoughts. I leave my room continuously to get a sense of where I am. I lie on the floor because as a child this felt safest. And I hide under my sink when I feel terrified. When everything feels too much and I need to cry but I also need to hide it from everyone. I did this as a child too because I was brought up to act okay. To be okay. But let me tell you, everything in my life wasn't okay. It's never been okay and maybe it never will be.

Between the hours of 1am and 4am I struggle with the battle to give in and sleep or to stay awake with flashbacks and avoid the nightmares. It's a balance which I flip between. It's almost like I only have two options and staying awake feels more tempting; I feel more in control when I'm awake. Sleeping means I'm frozen and I can only get out if I wake up or someone wakes me up. I thrash and scream and I relive it all. Trying to fight him unlike many times when I just lay completely still. I punch the wall. I scratch my skin raw. I lose control and that's terrifying. So I wonder around avoiding this natural human cycle. I feel detached from the people around me because I end up isolating myself in the day and spending my nights alone. I listen to people sleeping and the jealousy creeps in. Then I feel guilty for feeling like that. The thoughts about deserving this punishment circle my head and I end up getting angry at myself. Because he's always said it was my fault and therefore I must deserve this torture, right?

People act like I’m some sort of object, something with no feelings or something you can simply brush away whenever you feel like it. I catch a glimpse of being included, of being wanted, and then suddenly it's stolen once more and I'm replaced. Then that familiar black cloud covers me and again I stand alone trying not to fall. Trapped in the loneliness. So let me tell you about being lonely. There's a thousand ways to feel it. But my loneliness? Well I feel like I've got nothing and no one. That if I fall to the ground a hand won't reach down to help me up. You can have a long list of friends but if all of them are too scared to see you because of the way trauma has affected you, do you have any at all? I just need everything to be over because it's becoming more than I can live with. I don't care anymore about anything. When your own family abandons you, and leaves you alone crying on the floor, you start to believe nobody will ever truly want you. That everyone will leave and it hurts like hell every single time. So you become accustomed to being lonely. It's now become normal for me but this doesn't mean I feel comfortable with it. I'm just not used to people talking to me so I tend not to say much unless they do. And this breeds the loneliness further.

Do you know what it feels like to have your soul broken? When suddenly you become numb and you collapse into yourself completely. I know what it's like to be judged and how it would help to have a friend who doesn't judge me. Who doesn't treat my trauma reactions like some hilarious joke. It feels like people are afraid to love me just in case I disappear forever and I don't blame them. It's a real possibility that I will but they just don't understand. By keeping me at a distance it makes me long to vanish even more. Everyone needs someone. They need connections and without them the world is a very scary place. You feel like you're navigating it alone and the further you walk the more you realise you are simply walking in circles without knowing how to venture outside. You don't have the courage to continue down a narrow path without someone by your side. I've learned that people can give you something that nothing else can give. They make you feel like a person. You become a wanted and loved person. And right now, right at this moment, I've never felt so alone. Because no one likes to see me in this way; being unwell and unable to fix it quickly. They don't want to see the scars and the endless tears. They don't want to hear about the thoughts and urges. In fact they avoid it completely and that means they avoid me by default. Then who is left to save me and make me feel safe? No one.

I want to play hide and seek. I want someone to be my Olly Olly Oxen Free. Because every night my safety and security is snatched away from me by him. And I'm reminded of a life where nothing felt safe. No one felt safe. And that's the loneliest place to be. This is where I've lived for so long even if it's never felt like home.