Nothing.

It’s not romantic nor pretty,
the tears that trickle like an endless stream.
They differ in speed in a race to reach my quivering chin.
My mind races then slows to a sudden halt.
Do you ever feel an overwhelming emotion and then nothing?
Just nothing.
Like a heartbeat constantly changing beat.

My thoughts scream then whisper slowly.
I no longer fear them more than I welcome them.
My arms outstretched to tightly hold them close to my chest.
People break hearts.
They destroy reputations.
They sentence spirits to death,
and then perform complete destruction of souls.
Your thoughts echo people and they make choices for you.
Choices based on the opinions of people who break your heart.

Life is unpredictable.
You can’t control it.
Control is only an illusion to make it easier to sleep at night.
But this unpredictability can feel like being smothered.
It can make you feel powerless and then ambivalent.
Men appear to snatch it from you,
they tell you lies that you begged them to.
You asked them to.
Yet here I stand,
knowing control isn’t real for either of us.
Yet here I stand,
a creature obsessed with the illusion of control.

I am that person,
the one that tries not to,
but always manages to let people down.
That’s when the voices come,
that gentle hand appears on my shoulder.
It tells me people are better off without me.
That there is evidence to back this up.
And what exactly does that feel like?
Nothing.
It feels like nothing.
An endless nothing.
Just blank.

And it looks like nothing too.
You see I wear this smile like an actress,
to cover my pain.
But underneath my entire body fights with itself.
Scream.
Cry.
Say something.
That’s why I find isolation easier.
I can imagine living a sheltered life.
That way I’m no longer lying to others.
No longer lying to myself.

I feel loneliness trap me unexpectedly everyday.
It lingers for some time until I shake it away for a while.
As I write the word I am unconvinced it will ever go,
no matter how much I drag an eraser backwards.
Nothing left inside me feels able to fight.
I have no one and I can feel the water starting to rise,
it’s all around me.

I am beginning to drown under the waves of loneliness.
I reach for a hand,
but I can never quite hold it tightly enough.
I try to stay above water but I know I’m waiting,
waiting for the hurricane to hit.
Someone to add to my list,
which includes the people who have wronged me.
I’m an easy target,
and it’s open season.

As my body submerges into the deep blue,
I feel calm.
I don’t care if you want to knock me further into the water.
I don’t care if your hand pushes my head further in.
In fact,
I dare you.

Because no matter how much you try to take from me,
I hope you realise that you will forever leave with nothing.
I have nothing left inside me.
And if you try to collect the pieces of my broken heart,
let me warn you.
The edges are sharp and painful to touch.
They will make your eyes weep.
Blood will empty from your veins until,
just like me,
you have nothing left.

If your game is to break me in two,
you need to learn to walk away.
You won’t win.
Not because I believe you can’t break a person.
I know for a fact you can.
But you need to know that you can’t break what’s already broken.
And, honey, I was broken long ago.