To My Dad.

I'm trying to be brave

And I'm trying to be strong,

But I just don't seem to understand 

Where it all went wrong.

It pains me to remember 

But it hurts me to forget,

So I shake my head and down the pills

And do something I'll regret.

I squeeze my eyes tight

To stop the running tears,

I find it hard to smile

Why did you hurt me all these years?

The day is a mountain, scary, and hard to climb,

The minutes are hours and the hours get lost in time.

The seconds only add to my ticking clock of despair,

No one can take away my pain, except you, and I can't see you anywhere.

It seems like I'm just waiting, but for what I just don't know,

Like if I just keep waiting, somehow it will all just go.

If I keep wishing and praying every night,

A miracle will happen and everything will be alright.

I can't help but feel so angry

When I think of what you did.

I was so easy to give up

And you destroyed the secrets we both hid.

Did you think you were making it better?

Did you hope I wouldn't care?

Did you think just for a moment that I wouldn't even despair? 

I'm so angry at you and the tears you've made me cry,

So angry at you for convincing them I would always tell a lie.

So angry at you for not being strong

So angry at you for being so wrong.

But at night I often wonder where you are now,

And should my plan work, I'll see you high above the clouds.

You can't see my tears and my sleepless nights,

Or the stress and the worry as I turn out the lights.

You can't feel my regret, sadness, or shame,

But can you see that in the end no one won the game? 

I miss you so much it's tearing me apart,

I miss you so much it's breaking my heart.

I miss you every second of every single day,

I miss you so much words can't even explain.

I miss your laughter and your sarcastic jokes,

I miss that the meals you could only cook were simply beans on toast.

I miss the gleam in your eye as you spoke about your day,

And the way you knew what I wanted before I had to say.

I miss the way you came upstairs and said goodnight to me,

You left me with a kiss on my forehead and a tickle on my tummy.

You told me that you would destroy the bed bugs and monsters in my sleep,

But Dad you were a monster yourself and therefore this was a promise you could not keep. 

You stole my childhood and left me bleeding dry,

Now I sit here in the dark longing to die.

Your little daughter who was supposed to be with you against the world,

Remember the little girl who you told her hair looked better curled.

I no longer resemble her in body or in mind,

If you had control of yourself could you have been a little more kind?

I wish you would have loved me as a father should,

But perhaps this was the only way you ever truly could. 

I miss random things like the way you sign my birthday cards,

I miss you so much, moving on is hard.

I miss you so much I don't know what to do,

And even after everything it still doesn't really feel true.

I miss you daddy

I miss you everyday,

If you could see me now 

Would you take the pain away?

Because now you're gone and I don't see another way,

Please don't be mad at me for not wanting to live another day.

I've tried so very hard daddy to find a new way through,

But I can't live whilst having a life with or without you.

The pain of being raped is something I can't quite explain,

I just hope it never happens to you because I promise it's no kids game.

I'm sorry for leaving you in such a final way,

If there's an afterlife we might meet again someday.

The torture of this life you created is tearing me apart.

There's too many missing jigsaw pieces, one right inside my heart.

Did you ever see yourself losing your youngest daughter oh so soon?

I remember all those nights we stayed up late looking at the moon.

I'm not that little girl anymore and the blame is now on you.

But the choice I make today is all mine and something I have decided to do.

Grief can be difficult and I don't wish it to linger too long,

Just know I'm in a better place, somewhere I might even belong.

This life was far too big for me and everything felt too loud,

My only regret in leaving you is that I failed to make you proud.

I really did love you Dad for whatever that is worth. 

I would have done so much for you, you were the centre of my Earth.

The problem was that this was never a mutual kind of love.

You proved that much to me with every last kick, scream, and shove. 

I will no longer be looking up to you even if I'm six feet under,

I will be above the clouds staring down at you with wonder.

So here I am 

Alone inside my tiny little flat.

Pills, alcohol, and blades glittered,

where I'm sat.

I'm not scared of will happen to me or if this is going to hurt,

My only concern was making sure I was wearing your favourite shirt.

When I finally dig the blades into my ever flowing veins, 

I hope to feel a loosening from within your restrictive chains.

I'll think of you when my body runs cold as I lean against the wall,

Just remember father you were the single person who made me want to die when I was so small.

Slowly and softly as my life begins to fade,

Who would have thought I could end it all with a measly blade.

You might have broken my body black and blue,

But metal made my life end, it's tragic but it's true.

Goodbye Dad, I'll miss you all the same.

You never really understood that I could beat you at your own game. 

-Sophie-Al