Emotions.

My father always told me not to cry when I felt down. I used to think this was helpful advice because as a child I didn’t exactly see any of the benefits of crying. Only now that I can’t quite master the on and off switches to my tear ducts, do I realise how ill-advised this was. Crying apparently is this natural occurrence which is helpful for letting out sadness and sometimes even happiness. It’s healthy. Yet I was turned into this robot. Emotionless. My father referred to me as the ‘strong’ one of the family. I was like him and this made him feel proud. You see I’ve only ever seen my father cry 4 times in my whole life. He’s ‘strong’ and I aspired to be like that simply because he made me. I had to be able to not let things get to me but now I feel faulty because my on\off switch refuses to work and either gets stuck on one or the other. I can be completely hysterical or emotionless for hours on end. No tears fall then suddenly millions rush to the surface demanding to fall. And I don’t react to situations like other people because if something terrible happens I can be stuck on ‘off’ and be smiling my head off. Completely inappropriate and embarrassing.

My mother was a little better I suppose. We had this heated relationship and we would be incredibly close one minute and then she would hate me the next. I lived my whole childhood walking on egg shells. I raised my own personal expectations because I was not allowed to show weakness. I was being abused in the room opposite her’s and she did nothing. I told myself to pretend it didn’t happen. I had to be absolutely fine with the fact that I was being forced to have sex with a care giver. I had to be seen and not heard. I was the quiet one but not by conscious choice. I needed to remain this person because changing could mean more punishment at both of their hands. Angering my father was one thing but angering my mother was terrifying. She was far more anger-fuelled and confrontational. If I upset her, I knew instantly. Then I would have to grovel and beg for her forgiveness. Even if the argument was her fault, it somehow was always my fault by the end of it. 

My point is that due to both of their expectations and beliefs, I am stuck with my emotions flipping from extremes. I can’t seem to manage to be ‘okay’ anymore. That switch was broken the minute I left home. I wish so much to be able to be absolutely fine and not overreact or under react but I am terrible at controlling this. Emotions are fluid and uncontrollable for everyone. You can’t fake an emotion. You can cover it up and make others believe you feel differently, but what you actually feel will never alter just because you want it to. It doesn’t work like that. It’s about accepting that sometimes I’m going to feel low and this isn’t a failure and it’s okay to cry. I’m going to get angry and want to hit someone but that doesn’t mean I need to be ashamed or frightened. I will feel overly anxious but I don’t have to act calm and collected. It’s okay to say that I feel scared today. I don’t have to pretend or hide away just because I am not fine. In fact it’s understandable that I am not fine. No one would be fine in my shoes. Ongoing abuse, lack of family, severe mental health problems, and the rest. It would be quite worrying if I was okay with my situation. 

I’m scared. I’m low. I’m so angry I could scream. I am not okay. I don’t have to be my father’s idea of ‘strong’ anymore. Strength can be about crying in front of someone. It can be the act of telling someone I am so angry with what they have done to me. It can be about asking someone to help when I feel a panic attack starting. There is strength in asking for help when your whole body is telling you that you shouldn’t need it and you certainly don’t deserve it.

Strength is showing emotions and trying to allow them to ebb and flow. Just breathe and it will get easier because no emotion can last forever even if it feels like it.