To My Dad.

I'm trying to be brave

And I'm trying to be strong,

But I just don't seem to understand 

Where it all went wrong.

It pains me to remember 

But it hurts me to forget,

So I shake my head and down the pills

And do something I'll regret.

I squeeze my eyes tight

To stop the running tears,

I find it hard to smile

Why did you hurt me all these years?

The day is a mountain, scary, and hard to climb,

The minutes are hours and the hours get lost in time.

The seconds only add to my ticking clock of despair,

No one can take away my pain, except you, and I can't see you anywhere.

It seems like I'm just waiting, but for what I just don't know,

Like if I just keep waiting, somehow it will all just go.

If I keep wishing and praying every night,

A miracle will happen and everything will be alright.

I can't help but feel so angry

When I think of what you did.

I was so easy to give up

And you destroyed the secrets we both hid.

Did you think you were making it better?

Did you hope I wouldn't care?

Did you think just for a moment that I wouldn't even despair? 

I'm so angry at you and the tears you've made me cry,

So angry at you for convincing them I would always tell a lie.

So angry at you for not being strong

So angry at you for being so wrong.

But at night I often wonder where you are now,

And should my plan work, I'll see you high above the clouds.

You can't see my tears and my sleepless nights,

Or the stress and the worry as I turn out the lights.

You can't feel my regret, sadness, or shame,

But can you see that in the end no one won the game? 

I miss you so much it's tearing me apart,

I miss you so much it's breaking my heart.

I miss you every second of every single day,

I miss you so much words can't even explain.

I miss your laughter and your sarcastic jokes,

I miss that the meals you could only cook were simply beans on toast.

I miss the gleam in your eye as you spoke about your day,

And the way you knew what I wanted before I had to say.

I miss the way you came upstairs and said goodnight to me,

You left me with a kiss on my forehead and a tickle on my tummy.

You told me that you would destroy the bed bugs and monsters in my sleep,

But Dad you were a monster yourself and therefore this was a promise you could not keep. 

You stole my childhood and left me bleeding dry,

Now I sit here in the dark longing to die.

Your little daughter who was supposed to be with you against the world,

Remember the little girl who you told her hair looked better curled.

I no longer resemble her in body or in mind,

If you had control of yourself could you have been a little more kind?

I wish you would have loved me as a father should,

But perhaps this was the only way you ever truly could. 

I miss random things like the way you sign my birthday cards,

I miss you so much, moving on is hard.

I miss you so much I don't know what to do,

And even after everything it still doesn't really feel true.

I miss you daddy

I miss you everyday,

If you could see me now 

Would you take the pain away?

Because now you're gone and I don't see another way,

Please don't be mad at me for not wanting to live another day.

I've tried so very hard daddy to find a new way through,

But I can't live whilst having a life with or without you.

The pain of being raped is something I can't quite explain,

I just hope it never happens to you because I promise it's no kids game.

I'm sorry for leaving you in such a final way,

If there's an afterlife we might meet again someday.

The torture of this life you created is tearing me apart.

There's too many missing jigsaw pieces, one right inside my heart.

Did you ever see yourself losing your youngest daughter oh so soon?

I remember all those nights we stayed up late looking at the moon.

I'm not that little girl anymore and the blame is now on you.

But the choice I make today is all mine and something I have decided to do.

Grief can be difficult and I don't wish it to linger too long,

Just know I'm in a better place, somewhere I might even belong.

This life was far too big for me and everything felt too loud,

My only regret in leaving you is that I failed to make you proud.

I really did love you Dad for whatever that is worth. 

I would have done so much for you, you were the centre of my Earth.

The problem was that this was never a mutual kind of love.

You proved that much to me with every last kick, scream, and shove. 

I will no longer be looking up to you even if I'm six feet under,

I will be above the clouds staring down at you with wonder.

So here I am 

Alone inside my tiny little flat.

Pills, alcohol, and blades glittered,

where I'm sat.

I'm not scared of will happen to me or if this is going to hurt,

My only concern was making sure I was wearing your favourite shirt.

When I finally dig the blades into my ever flowing veins, 

I hope to feel a loosening from within your restrictive chains.

I'll think of you when my body runs cold as I lean against the wall,

Just remember father you were the single person who made me want to die when I was so small.

Slowly and softly as my life begins to fade,

Who would have thought I could end it all with a measly blade.

You might have broken my body black and blue,

But metal made my life end, it's tragic but it's true.

Goodbye Dad, I'll miss you all the same.

You never really understood that I could beat you at your own game. 

-Sophie-Al

Decision.

I've spent my day in silence. Well surrounded by silence. I have barely said a word out loud. I've screamed but that doesn't count. I've been clutching razor blades in both hands. My psychologist said yesterday that it was brave not to commit suicide that day. But here I am the very next day and I am wiling myself to do it. There is no way to describe how alone I feel at this moment. This very moment. Because people can say they are there for you but that doesn't change the overwhelming feeling of being completely alone.

You might think I am the bravest person you know. Strong. A fighter. But I'm not when you look behind the fake smiles and pretty lies. I feel empty. I feel cowardly. Stupid. Weak. And I don't want to be the imagined version you think I am. That's not me. I've proved that.

Today I bought blades and they cost me two whole pounds. That's how little a suicide can cost. And I walked out of the shop and I stopped for a brief moment. How easy was that? Walk in. Pay. Suddenly I have the means to kill myself. Right in my  backpack. And they were just waiting there covered in plastic and paper. Ten whole blades. I only really needed one but it's always good to have a back up.

And then I thought about how I don't have a back up family. I just have those who left me when it got tough. They acted like I was faulty and I was worthless. That they could stand to lose a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and granddaughter. That it was easier than trying to understand why a young woman would say her father raped her. Because that was too painful to handle. So they passed the pain to myself. And I've carried it for many years now but today I can't anymore. There is no one to pass it to. 

So walked and walked and I thought it's such a beautiful day. What a day to choose. I could smell the sun and feel the warmth on my skin. And I wasn't scared or sad. I felt peaceful. And I still do. Peaceful walking around and navigating through town and just passing people by. They had no idea. No idea. 

That's one of the misconceptions of someone who is suicidal. That sense that you should be able to notice it. But it doesn't look like the sad girl on the films. It usually looks just normal. Like nothing. And that's why a lot of people never seem understand why they couldn't stop a person. Why they didn't even notice. It's not visible. 

I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care that my father abused me because now I understand why. And I don't care that my mum chose to reject me because I understand why. And I care only a tiny bit that Jess stopped talking to me. I just hope that they don't care too. It hurts to care. 

When I left hospital this morning on leave. A nurse said to let them know if I'll be late. He added that because it's a hospital they 'have' to worry. 

I'm so sorry for making you HAVE to worry.

Silence.

Emotions.

My father always told me not to cry when I felt down. I used to think this was helpful advice because as a child I didn’t exactly see any of the benefits of crying. Only now that I can’t quite master the on and off switches to my tear ducts, do I realise how ill-advised this was. Crying apparently is this natural occurrence which is helpful for letting out sadness and sometimes even happiness. It’s healthy. Yet I was turned into this robot. Emotionless. My father referred to me as the ‘strong’ one of the family. I was like him and this made him feel proud. You see I’ve only ever seen my father cry 4 times in my whole life. He’s ‘strong’ and I aspired to be like that simply because he made me. I had to be able to not let things get to me but now I feel faulty because my on\off switch refuses to work and either gets stuck on one or the other. I can be completely hysterical or emotionless for hours on end. No tears fall then suddenly millions rush to the surface demanding to fall. And I don’t react to situations like other people because if something terrible happens I can be stuck on ‘off’ and be smiling my head off. Completely inappropriate and embarrassing.

My mother was a little better I suppose. We had this heated relationship and we would be incredibly close one minute and then she would hate me the next. I lived my whole childhood walking on egg shells. I raised my own personal expectations because I was not allowed to show weakness. I was being abused in the room opposite her’s and she did nothing. I told myself to pretend it didn’t happen. I had to be absolutely fine with the fact that I was being forced to have sex with a care giver. I had to be seen and not heard. I was the quiet one but not by conscious choice. I needed to remain this person because changing could mean more punishment at both of their hands. Angering my father was one thing but angering my mother was terrifying. She was far more anger-fuelled and confrontational. If I upset her, I knew instantly. Then I would have to grovel and beg for her forgiveness. Even if the argument was her fault, it somehow was always my fault by the end of it. 

My point is that due to both of their expectations and beliefs, I am stuck with my emotions flipping from extremes. I can’t seem to manage to be ‘okay’ anymore. That switch was broken the minute I left home. I wish so much to be able to be absolutely fine and not overreact or under react but I am terrible at controlling this. Emotions are fluid and uncontrollable for everyone. You can’t fake an emotion. You can cover it up and make others believe you feel differently, but what you actually feel will never alter just because you want it to. It doesn’t work like that. It’s about accepting that sometimes I’m going to feel low and this isn’t a failure and it’s okay to cry. I’m going to get angry and want to hit someone but that doesn’t mean I need to be ashamed or frightened. I will feel overly anxious but I don’t have to act calm and collected. It’s okay to say that I feel scared today. I don’t have to pretend or hide away just because I am not fine. In fact it’s understandable that I am not fine. No one would be fine in my shoes. Ongoing abuse, lack of family, severe mental health problems, and the rest. It would be quite worrying if I was okay with my situation. 

I’m scared. I’m low. I’m so angry I could scream. I am not okay. I don’t have to be my father’s idea of ‘strong’ anymore. Strength can be about crying in front of someone. It can be the act of telling someone I am so angry with what they have done to me. It can be about asking someone to help when I feel a panic attack starting. There is strength in asking for help when your whole body is telling you that you shouldn’t need it and you certainly don’t deserve it.

Strength is showing emotions and trying to allow them to ebb and flow. Just breathe and it will get easier because no emotion can last forever even if it feels like it.