You know when you watch fireworks and there’s this huge anticipation before the loud noise echoes around you? It feels like that when you struggle with traumatic memories. You feel a body sensation and your heart picks up speed. You become more alert and on guard. You look around like a rabbit in headlights. But instead of excitement you feel panic and dread. The desperation for the end to peak sooner rather than later, is intense. You close your eyes tightly and you beg for the next noise to not be as loud as the last. You also pray that it will be one of those quick and short lived fireworks. Not the slow whizzing ones that capture your full attention for minutes on end.
Living with trauma can be unpredictable and it’s like the people around you can’t see the fireworks. They don’t know you are experiencing this huge display because they are in the present but mentally you are not with them. Your body might be stood beside them but your mind is so far into history, you start to question if you’ve discovered time travel. You look around and you feel confused because how can they not hear his voice? How can they not see him forcing himself upon your body? You’re screaming for help but no one can save you. Why? It’s because it’s already happened. The problem is just because it happened in your past it doesn’t mean that’s where it will stay. It’s not like every flashback is the same. You can’t prepare for just the one body memory or the one act of abuse. They come in different orders meaning the fireworks are not predictable and therefore they shock you and surprise you every single time.
Just like when a person is preparing for bonfire night it’s important for a sufferer to protect themselves from flashbacks. You need something to wear to provide comfort from the cold shivers that run down your spine. You need something for your hands to hold as barrier from the desperate need to claw your skin to rid his hands from your wrists and neck. You need to protect your whole body from the odd nudge of people passing you by. You also need a little reminder of the people you love and care about. Having a safe place to go or a safe person to talk to is important. Like animals that are scared of the fireworks, you might need a safe place to hide such as warm fluffy blanket or the arms of someone you trust. This person is not your abuser and therefore they remind you that you are safe and you can cope with the flashbacks. They help you to use your grounding techniques and stay with you so that you are not alone.
When I find myself trapped in a flashback I feel so lost and confused. My head pounds and the world around me is loud and in soft focus. I don't see people as fully as others do and I can't hear their voices as clearly either. Everything creates this fullness within my head and I am screaming over and over to get this scene to end. I need the fog to lift and I need my mind to be silent even just for a second. The voices from the past are terrifying and they ask me to do things I don't want to do. One asked me to jump off the bridge. I walked there in a dissociative state but a man passing by grabbed my hand and walked me away. Another voice asked me to hit someone really hard and in those moments I lock myself away and I put objects in front of the door to prevent me leaving. I can't leave because I will hurt someone. The voices can be so convincing at times and I cry in desperation. His voice clearly repeats that I deserve this. That I have to take my punishment. He was right and I was wrong. My body like an apple rotten to the very core. 
People are these huge living risks. Will they make the flashbacks more intense? More regular? More terrifying? Will they leave me like the family I once had? Life is tough when you take the risk to report a family member. The gamble is huge and I unfortunately lost. I folded or rather the investigation ended and I sit here trying to pick up all the cards I pushed away from me. Although these events and memories are painful, they are ultimately my history. To walk away from them is to walk away from myself. I was abused for the majority of my childhood and it’s impossible to just ignore this. It’s like having a broken leg and refusing to believe that it needs treatment to repair itself. I know my past and I refuse to ignore the flashbacks that were a consequence.
Trauma will cause a variety of symptoms and they can be very unpredictable like a firework display. But no firework can last forever. You can make it to the end. The relief after that loud earth-shaking sound is the best feeling for a trauma survivor to experience. You’ve got this and you are not alone. I’m with you.
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