Over the past few weeks it has really shocked me to discover how sparse the support from Mental Health services is over the festive period. Suicide rates peak during this time but for some reason the professionals, that are there to provide support, dissipate and the leftovers who are in their place are simply unable to adequately support patients. It’s a complete train-wreck and something needs to change because there are too many vulnerable people suffering when really all they need is human to human contact. To connect with someone and feel heard and supported. It’s not rocket science and it’s definitely not something you need a degree in nursing to achieve. 
I was assaulted on Christmas Eve and I took myself to A&E on Christmas Day after being in intense pain all night and emotionally feeling very fragile. This was my first Christmas without my family and also not being hospital. It was something I tried hard to discuss with my team to which they told me to plan the day myself. But what if I have nothing to do? I don’t have a family and they know this fact because they were there when I lost them. I didn’t plan and although I went to church in the morning, I spent my Christmas in hospital. I can’t fault the doctors and nurses I saw because they were sympathetic and really listened to me even when I needed more time to discuss challenging topics. They even got a female nurse to come in with the doctor so that I felt safer during the examination.
After having multiple X-rays and blood tests I was told I had broken my ribs but I had no other ailments. The doctor asked if I wanted to see the Crisis Team and I didn’t at first but eventually I agreed because he didn’t want me to go home without support. A female Crisis worker saw me and said that she was going off shift soon and that she would send a colleague along after 8pm to do a complete assessment. She also said that they would be able to offer a package of support. I felt heard and I was hopeful that finally I wouldn’t have to struggle through this period alone. I waited until 9pm and then this man turns up and he tells me to go into a room with him. I go and he closed the door and locked it. I freak out and panic and I tell him to unlock the door and get a female to sit with us. He grumbles but does as I say and then a female crisis worker walks in. I sit uncomfortably at first and start to shake because I want to leave.
He begins by asking very inappropriate questions about who had assaulted me and he neglects to ask about my mental health. I don’t say a word because I feel interrogated and the woman then asks me what I did straight after the assault. I respond saying that it doesn’t matter and I get very snappy with them both. Eventually he asks if I have any thoughts to hurt myself and I respond that I haven’t but I want to be unconscious. The woman laughs and says that I mean sleep but I say no. He says I mean sleep but, again, I say no. The woman then says to cheer up because the sales are on tomorrow. I couldn't care less about the sales. I tell her I want to go home and make myself unconscious. There’s a silence and the man says I can go in a minute. He then says he’s reporting the perpetrator to the police and I say I don’t want that. He replies saying it’s tough luck. Tough luck? The sympathy just isn’t there. The ability to talk to me as a human is not there. I feel so hopeless and I start to cry hysterically. They get up and as they leave the woman says she hopes I sleep well. I walk home alone at 11 o’clock that night in tears. I ring a Crisis worker at The Glade and she calms me down and books me in to have an examination that Wednesday. When I finally get home I look around and I'm reminded of my creativity and that I can't let one man destroy my safety.
The next morning I wake up to missed calls and a text from the police. I freak out and call The Glade again and they tell me to ring the Crisis Team. I speak to a woman who is jokey about the police ringing me and says not to stress about it. I get snappy and end the call. After a few hours I ring them back and tell another woman to ring the police and tell them to stick to the safeguarding agreement because they are not supposed to directly contact me. She says that she will go and do this, then ring me back within the hour. She does keep to her word and informs me that she’s told the police I will meet with them later that week to give a statement. I didn’t ask her to do that and my anger just reaches new heights. My ribs are killing me and my mental health is so unstable that the stress the Crisis Team are causing is not helping; it’s making it worse.
On the Wednesday I speak to my CPN and she’s very jokey and upbeat which I feel isn’t helpful. She says she’s just doing a Safe and Well check and I respond saying I am neither safe or well. To this she says that technically I am and ticks the box. Apparently I don’t need Crisis support and I’m coping. I tell her about my experiences in A&E and she just says it was clumsy of the man on Christmas Day. It was far more than clumsy and I tell her this. She then asks me what she should write on my notes. I’ve always thought this is a nurse’s job, yes? She tells me to have a nice day and ends the call. I then go to The Glade and the nurse who is taking the samples asks about mental health support. I tell her what I told the man about my desire to be unconscious. She isn’t happy at all with the Crisis Team and also my CPN, so she decides that I need to be seen that day. Duty of care is now on her head because I’ve told her about my suicidal ideation. I inform her that Crisis didn’t react or offer anything to help me manage. She proceeds to ring my team and a worker, who I don’t know, tells her they are going to send someone to The Glade right now to assess me. Good. So we continue the examination and then the phone rings and it’s my team again and they lied. No one is bothering to come. They’ve passed the buck to Worcester because technically I am currently in Worcestershire. My team treat me like this? The people I am supposed to go to if I feel unsafe. The people who are supposed to care about me. Yes they have passed the buck because it’s nearly 5 o’clock and they want to go home.
So the day unfolds and eventually an ambulance arrives at 8pm to take me to Worcester A&E. I outright refuse because I am from Hereford and so the Crisis Team in Worcester can’t offer anything so I’d transferred back to Hereford eventually anyway. The paramedics can’t take me to Hereford because I have to go to the nearest A&E so there is the long winded debate because I have capacity so that throws a spanner into the mix. The head of the Worcestershire Ambulance Service turns up and they all conference call the Crisis worker in Worcester A&E. As a compromise they decide to allow the ambulance to take me to Hereford. I am exhausted but hopeful that I will get home that night. I am very lucky to have had the support of someone who I refer to as my sister and also the support of a mother too. They got me through the hours stuck in a room waiting to find out where I would end up. I love them incredible amounts for this.
After arriving in Hereford A&E I am seen by Crisis fairly quickly, it’s the man again but this time with a different woman. They take me into a room and proceed to insinuate that I lied to the nurse at The Glade about wanting to end my life. Now, I’m not being funny but why would anyone lie about this? So I get snappy because I am so exhausted and these people lack empathy. I explain and point to the man about how I told him I wanted to be unconscious. She quickly says that I don’t anymore and basically tells me they can’t offer much at all. The man says I can get a sleeping tablet and they will organise an appointment with a Crisis worker from their team and my CPN the following day. I agree to this and get dropped off home by my friend. I take my sleeping tablet and just when I’m nice and comfy, I hear the door. I am livid and I go to the door in my pyjamas and it’s the Police. She tells me the Crisis Team had contacted her that night and asked for her to get a statement from me. I send her away and scream very loudly into a pillow.
The next morning I wait and wait for this appointment I was promised. I hear nothing until the afternoon when I ring my CPN. She starts by saying that it’s just another Safe and Well check and I am about to hit the roof with anger. She says Crisis rang her that morning but didn’t mention a meeting. She tells me that I don’t sound suicidal on the phone. I’m sorry but how does one sound suicidal? I really wish I could figure this out. She tells me that I must have acted distressed at The Glade to make the nurse contact the team. I tell her I was a little anxious but I was more stressed afterwards because no one was caring about my safety. She sighs and then says that general nurses tend to overreact to suicide. Overreact. How can you overreact to suicide? I give up at this point because I am clearly not getting the message across that I need help right now. She asks me what she should tell the police and I remind her that she was at the safeguarding meeting last week. She grumbles and says that there are too many services involved and acts like it’s my fault. She’s a care co-ordinator, it’s her job to manage all the services involved in my care. I’m very concerned that she’s not adequately trained to be able to support me and co-ordinate my care. Finally she tells me to rest up and put on a movie. Apparently this solves everything.
I ring Crisis because they promised this meeting and I am not coping with all this added stress. I speak to a woman first and she doesn’t know anything about me. She passes the phone to a man and he says he will ring me back in 10 minutes. After TWO hours I ring them back and ask to speak to the manager. I rant to her about how disgusted I am with her team and I tell her I will be putting in a formal complaint. She looks over my notes and informs me that my CPN told them I was Safe and Well before actually talking to me on the phone. My CPN also said she was reluctant to fit me into her schedule that day. So basically me being suicidal was a huge inconvenience to my CPN of whom I should feel safe with. I start crying because it’s absolutely shocking how terrible the care Mental Health services have provided these last few days. It hadn’t even been a week at this point. She tells me that she’s sorry I feel like this and that she will send two Crisis workers from the team to see me that night. About two hours later I get a call and it’s the man who said he would be 10 minutes after about 4 and half hours. He apologises and says the office just gets too busy and people forget. It felt forced and I am guessing the manager had a word with him. If he was a paramedic the person would have died. How is this treatment okay for mental health but not for physical health? Something needs to change.
What’s struck me the most over the last few weeks is how little is available to those who are vulnerable over the festive period. This is not adequate and this is definitely not right. Patients shouldn’t have to feel like they have to pause their struggles for the two weeks their teams are away. They shouldn’t have to cope and manage the holidays alone. Why are there no groups? Or face to face appointments? I wasn’t asking for a lot on Christmas Day. I was just simply wanting someone to talk to. To be able to ring someone if I felt alone or suicidal. I just wanted to feel heard and connected to someone. It’s not too much to ask.
This has been the hardest Christmas of my life. I’m proud of how brave I have been and how well I have advocated for myself on numerous occasions. I could have given up so many times but I haven’t because I am reminded of how much work needs to happen. I want to change services for better and I hope that this article is the start of something quite big. Let’s all rally together and make positive changes to a system that is long out of date. We can change things but we need to be alive to do this. So please reach out to each other over the next few days. You’ve got this and you will make it through this challenging time. I need you.
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