The Elephant in the Room.

Lets talk about the elephant in the room. No, lets shout about him and invite him into our conversations. He’s a bit shy and used to be ignored, but his voice is invaluable. Surely he deserves to be, at the very least, acknowledged? He’s old and tattered and grey. But don’t forget about the elephant he used to be. That blue and white and strong animal that we used to admire before he was silenced. What does your elephant look like? What secrets is he holding close?

Trauma? Anxiety? Depression? Everyone has an elephant which seems to trail behind them and pulls up a seat at the very back of each room and space they find themselves. Society has conditioned us to hide these huge worries and illnesses. The stigma around mental health is still very much lingering and until we all unite and break the silence, I’m afraid it will remain. Do we really want to watch our friends and family suffer alone because they are too afraid to admit they are struggling? Do we really want children to learn that it’s not okay to not be okay? Prevention is better than cure and if we address mental health early on, we can restrict the amount of young minds being tortured by mental anguish. Wouldn’t it be life altering to sit next to someone and ask them how they are and have an honest response? Let me tell you that anyone can come pull up a chair with their tusked friend and talk to me. I welcome you.

I have numerous elephants and maybe a herd would be more representative of my humongous friends. Yes you read that right, my friends. Long gone is the fear of my emotional baggage and my traumatic past. I can happily sit with them and debate openly my long list of dysfunctional urges. I give them time and space and a warm smile. They can tell me their horrors and their negative self beliefs. And because I’m so comfortable, I will no longer try to hide them from people because it’s not only hard to hide multiple elephants, it’s also empowering to let them out. Isn’t is so uncomfortable sitting in a room with people and having to pretend you’re okay? Having to force a smile or force yourself to eat a piece of cake to fit in. Sitting there with food within your stomach and your elephant stamping his foot in anger at your inability to say that food is still an issue. Your mind jumping to ideas about compensating later. If you just said out loud that this piece of cake was making you feel uncomfortable then it would free you of having to deal with the torment alone. Your friend opposite you then has the information to support you through this. 

From experience I’ve found that even saying the words “I’m anxious” can release me from most of my internal anxiety. Saying out loud that I’m having a flashback can help to ground me because I am then becoming aware of the room around me. I can then identify that this person isn’t my abuser but a friend. The world becomes clearer and safer. And you know what? I feel better for sharing and knowing I’m not alone in this battle. It’s not easy to be honest about emotions especially when we don’t want to feel the things we do. Anger is judged as violent and bad. Anxiety is brushed off as unnecessary. Depressed people just need to cheer up. And happy people need to be quiet because they are irritating. The messages we are given from a young age are that we are not allowed to be anything other than okay. But sometimes we forget the purpose of the emotions. Anxiety protects us from harm. Anger wins us justice. Sadness helps us to identify our needs. And happiness lets us know something is rewarding and enjoyable. They are all important and all need validation from birth until death (and beyond if your belief extends further). We are all human after all. 

I promise you that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel. Don’t be afraid of replying honestly to a question. Invite your elephant to sit beside you and give it a voice. He can still be hidden away when needed but don’t be afraid to let him toot. You might just surprise yourself.

Kill Them With Kindness.

Over the last few weeks I’ve experienced relationships with professionals going fairly pear-shaped. Usually their reactions would fuel this inner rage right inside my chest and my instinct would be to run away and do something majorly destructive to punish them. However I am testing out this interesting approach of kindness and compassion. Of course this doesn't mean I’m accepting their behaviour as right, I am merely being mindful of how I react following a difficult interaction. This is incredibly hard to control and manage especially when I feel hurt and angry. As humans we naturally have a survival instinct and I suppose that can either get incredibly lost or heightened in heated situations involving others. It’s completely acceptable to fly off the handle and lose your cool when you can’t be rational.

I am an open person so I don’t mind sharing a recent interaction where I was in a conflicted mess. I attended an appointment with my care team some weeks ago prior to official discharge from the Stonebow Unit. In this appointment we discussed triggering information and I was met with hostility from my community nurses leaving me terrified. Talking about childhood trauma and how that’s impacted upon my relationships with professionals is very hard for me. I felt backed into a corner because I had two nurses blocking the door and no advocate sat beside me. I was staring at the ground and playing with my twist and lock block due to fears I would dissociate at any moment. In this meeting I was accused of being a child and told to pull myself together. I was told that I needed to stop being attached to professionals and that therapy was no longer a tea and chat set-up. Personally therapy has never been just a cup of tea and a chat. It’s been traumatic and I’ve spent sessions in the past feeling distressed but learning ways to sit with it in a safe environment. It therefore felt like my nurse was being judgemental of the therapy I had received prior to that day. 

I started to cry and it wasn’t a few tears either; it was floods of hysterical crying plummeting to the ground beside my shaking feet. I felt alone, cornered, and threatened. I also felt judged. Therefore I bravely told my nurse that I felt she was angry but she simply laughed to the other nurse saying it was me that was angry not her. I then couldn’t breathe because the situation was escalating and fuel was being added to the fire inside of me with every single minute that trickled by. Eventually my nurse asked me if I wanted a glass of water which I felt was ridiculous, but I nodded so that it would force her to leave the room. My other nurse watched on and told me I just needed to breathe. What I really needed was someone to get down to my level and ask me to mirror their breathing. I felt so out of control in that moment and I couldn’t run out of the room. It felt like the walls were closing in and death was looming due to my inability breathe. My other nurse then rushed in and forced the water into my trembling hands. She told me to shut up because the whole building could hear me. In other words she was embarrassed and just wanted to force an end to my meltdown. Funnily enough the ridiculous glass of water actually helped because I held it to my arm and the temperature grounded me.

Following an appointment like this in the past I would normally have reacted in a very self destructive way. My head was screaming at me to take an overdose because this would punish her and make her aware of what she had done to me. I also had ideas about going missing again and making her annoyed that she’s the last to know where I am. Therefore this angry part was throwing all sorts of ideas and begging me to utilise one or two. But I chose not to. I walked fast towards a local park with streams of tears falling down my cheeks. I then sat down and leaned my exhausted body against a tree. As I watched my fingers dance amongst the grass, I took a breath to reassess the situation. I could take an overdose, I reasoned. I could go missing. I could write a long complaint and contact anyone to punish my nurse. But I could also tell myself that what she did was wrong and unhelpful and my emotional reactions were valid. I was allowed to feel hurt and angry and alone. In reality though would hurting myself change any of that? No, I’d just be punishing myself for her bad practice. As much as the other parts inside my head kept screaming I decided to scream back. I told myself that I am worth better care. I might never receive that care through the NHS but that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of better. My worth can’t change and sometimes professionals won’t be willing or able to provide what I need. That’s life. 

The purpose of this article is to make you curious about your own reactions to situations that make you angry or upset. How do you automatically react? You might freeze. You might run and avoid. You might even shout and yell or use violence. Do you hurt yourself to punish others for their mistakes? Is it worth it? You might think it is and I won’t judge you for that because I have been there and sometimes I still react like that. However usually the only way to move forward healthily is to recognise the situation and acknowledge the emotions but step back. Assess everything and let yourself have time to be irrational and then access rational thought. The person who’s angered you might be pushing for a reaction. If you react in anger or in hurt you might be playing into this. There is always the option to respond with kindness and compassion. This may mean you are simply kind to yourself. But it might mean continuing to stay within your values and being compassionate to the person who let you down. There is the saying ‘kill them with kindness’ and I believe kindness is a far more powerful reaction than anger.