Merry Christmas.

It’s nearing Christmas and my heart is beating so fast I’m worried people can see it though my shirt. My palms are sweaty and I’ve struggled to fall asleep most nights whilst trying to fight against this surge of energy. But this isn’t due to the expected excitement Christmas should bring, no, it’s quite the opposite. The prospect of spending my first ever Christmas day alone is incredibly anxiety provoking. I get that even if I was with my family, this Christmas wouldn’t be all that great. I have never had a Christmas which hasn’t involved abuse or a huge argument between my parents. And I understand that the image the adverts portray isn’t what everyone gets and that having a family isn’t all laughter whilst eating those ‘Taste the Difference’ mince pies. But it’s hard to keep this in mind when you’ve got a whole day to waste away whilst you hear about your friends going to their parents and being together. I never knew how awful it would feel to be homeless at Christmas.

As the weeks grew closer to the 25th my mental health team and many other people continued to ask me what I planned to do. They repeated that it’s important to plan. That I’m at high risk of overdose if I don’t put in bulletproof defences. But I guess I never really wanted to give it too much thought. This is why I had to quickly buy Christmas presents and write cards because giving my time to a holiday based around love and family is too much for me. Maybe I should have listened to them because I’m now less than two days away and my plans are virtually nonexistent. I could just go with it and take it hour by hour. Or I could plan it down to the exact minute. I could even travel far away and hide until this dreadful occasion passes. Every option I’ve come up with isn’t what I want because I am desperate to be with my family. It’s two years since I reported and life has got worse not better. They promised me that reporting would be a relief and that I would feel safe. But I can’t help but wonder why it feels so very wrong and cruel. He gets everyone and I’m left alone. I really did pull the shortest straw.

I shouldn’t be surprised because I have always been the black sheep of my family and the fact that I played one in my school nativity was probably an omen. Maybe they have better Christmas’ without me and I genuinely do hope that they do. I don’t resent their choices; I purely resent my own. If I had been not so overly hopeful in keeping my family, I might have given holidays and birthdays more thought. Perhaps then I would have tried to imagine what spending a family occasion alone might feel like. But I do know that I could never have imagined just how lonely and heartbreaking this feels. I try so very hard to be excited for my friends because I don’t want to make things awkward. They are allowed to be excited about Christmas. So I have lied and put on a fake smile for the last few weeks and when Christmas came up in conversation I either made something up or asked more questions about them. I am ashamed of my choices and I feel like I do deserve to feel this pain and loneliness. I just look at my friends and I naturally ask myself, ‘Why can’t I be them?’. 

Growing up I never really gave any of my time to think about the homeless around Christmas time. It was something the news mentioned in the background as I unwrapped several presents from Santa Claus. But now I really do understand on some level how horrible it must feel to be homeless at Christmas time. In this respect I’m lucky because I might be in homeless accommodation but I’m not on the streets. I have food and water. I have heating too. Some people don’t even have these basic needs and not just over the festive period but all year round too. What must that feel like? To be so fragile to whatever may come their way as they try to sleep in the dark and the cold. My heart goes out to them because not having anyone to come and give them a hug and whisper that they are not alone is hard to articulate. I must admit it makes me incredibly angry and frustrated that there is still a huge crisis in terms of poverty and homelessness. That domestic abuse still happens and is on the increase, yet funding cuts mean more refuges are nearing closure. And a small child, like the one I used to be, will wake up on Christmas morning with fear not excitement because abuse is their father’s favourite present. 

For these people it’s not a silent night. It’s not a kiss under the mistletoe. It’s not rushing downstairs too early on Christmas morning because you know Santa has been. It’s not love and family. It’s not about joy and laughter. It’s just not.

It’s lonely.

Bright Sparks.

About 4 years ago I was in a dark place at University and my therapist, Kate, would always refer to the positive parts of my life as being bright sparks. You see, during this difficult period of my life I had very few bright sparks and it usually helped to be reminded of them every week. Sometimes I would get incredibly angry because why couldn’t we focus on the pain and the turmoil I was in? Why did she insist upon these pathetic and weak little lights when I could barely see them? Time moving forward and being confronted with challenges since then has provided answers to my questions. Without the dark you can never see the stars and without the stars no one can see where they are going. You don’t have to suffer from a mental illness to need those little bursts of light. We all have them and we all deserve them too.

My friends and my current therapist have never given me an idea that I could never do what I want to do or be whomever I want to become. No matter how horrific I have felt, they have always been there to shine this flashlight to remind me that I am not alone and also I can make it through the darkness. As they have guided me through these last 4 years I don’t think any of them have realised just how special they are to me. The importance of having people in my life has been proven to me time and time again. There’s nothing quite like someone sitting with you whilst you’re experiencing a traumatic flashback and just telling you that you’re safe. And also do you know that feeling of hugging someone and feeling the warmth of their love for you? Because it’s something I hope you all get to experience repeatedly throughout your lives. Moments with the people you love create bright sparks which never fade. An example is that I smile everytime I think about that challenge of eating a cupcake in Morrisons Cafe with my best friend because nobody has time for Anorexia. Or even blasting out Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 in a car and making complete idiots of ourselves but not giving a damn.

One huge part of being able to search for these bright sparks is having a safe place to go to each week. Stumbling upon my current therapist was like finding gold. It’s not just her wisdom and her ability to put me at ease the minute I get through the door, but also it’s that she not only tries her hardest to understand me but fights my corner when others don’t. She’s someone who I can literally go off on a huge rant to and spill it all into this room and then she just knows how to guide me to fit it all back in. And this is all within an hour and a half and she makes it look so effortless at times. I don’t think she has realised just yet that through our sessions and the journey we have embarked upon together, my inspiration and also a particularly blinding light is her. She has never once given up on me when I have countlessly given up on myself and the process of therapy. She’s frustratingly stubborn when it comes to my worth and she will not budge on this no matter how often I argue my points or how forceful I can be. Because she knows my past and she knows my present but mostly she knows what future I desire. Whenever I bring doubts to the room she tries her upmost to instil within me that I have the ability to accomplish my dreams. She validates that times are hard but I’m strong and one day I’ll be in her seat providing my wisdom and my understanding to a survivor of abuse. I promise to hold tightly in my mind this woman who has taught me that I am enough just as I am and my past will never define my worth.

The days are growing darker as we gravitate towards Christmas and New Year, we can’t get away from this fact and so every single day I worry about tomorrow. There’s this definite agreement inside my head that it will be dark. I believe I will be isolated and I’ll spend the day frightened of the unknown behind every corner. Many evenings now I do spend a lot of time walking around in the dark. Last night I walked for about two hours listening to music and trying not to cry. I don’t know if you do what I do, but whenever tears start flowing I instantly look up because I was taught that tears are weakness. As a result I now find it incredibly difficult to allow myself to cry alone and especially in front of others. So there I was just walking alone and staring at the sky and I just focused on this one star. It was a bright spark. I thought about how Kate used to talk about bright sparks and I also thought about discussions I’ve had with my current therapist. And I stood there alone and in the cold which was just like my predictions the previous night. But then I thought about the people who care about me and I held these people inside my mind. I tightened my fists in my pockets as way of clinging onto them. One thing I’m still learning to grasp is that you can be physically alone but that doesn’t mean you are actually alone. Because as long as I have these incredible completely bonkers characters in my life and in my mind, I’ve got all I need. I look around and life has dealt me bad cards but it’s also dealt me these curve balls and plot twists. They come in the form of these wonderful, hilarious, inspiring, and beautiful creatures I can call friends. When I get low and I am stuck in this dark place where nothing is getting better it’s easy to not look for the bright sparks and to then deny their care and even their existence. Anyone would end up getting incredibly lost and they would naturally feel unsafe in this situation. But when you get lost in the dark and you’re scared about what’s down this foggy path in front of you, what do you need? You need someone with flashlight. And they might be your parents or siblings or your girlfriend or boyfriend or your best friend or your therapist or even that stranger that held a door for you. They can get you through your darkest night and they don’t need a map or compass, they just need that light. 

If you are sat alone tonight and the rain won’t stop, I want you to reach out to a bright spark. Message someone. Scream. Say something. Don’t sit in the darkness alone because if you have to be physically alone tonight please know someone out there has their hands around a flashlight. They are rooting for you. They know you can make it through tonight because they’ve seen you accomplish things you are so very quick to dismiss. Their purpose is to support you through this horrific time in your life. They will remind you that you can do whatever you put your mind to and you can be whomever you are supposed to be. You’ve got this, so go ahead and grab hold of those bright sparks and walk with that person who, for tonight, has your flashlight.